Mercer Cluster

Founder’s Day speaker chosen by unlikely leader

Founder’s Day speaker chosen by unlikely leader
April 1, 2018

According to secret videos and reports obtained by The Cluster, Mercer University selects its annual Founder’s Day speaker by letting the statue of Jesse Mercer decide. Controversy surrounded this...

Mercer and Alabama to rematch in battle for the ages

Football Head Coach Bobby Lamb announces he is ready
to go bar for bar with Nick Saban.
April 1, 2018

In Mercer football’s final game of the season last November, they faced off against Alabama, the team who would go on to win the SEC championship. It was a heavy loss for the Bears, 56-0, as Alabama...

Cricket: The dog behind the man

Mercer University.” Photo by Walkin the Bear
Cricket’s favorite activity is playing in the sprinklers, which explains why they are always left on everywhere.
April 1, 2018

After graduating as class valedictorian from Michigan Institute of Technology, Cricket wasn’t sure what she wanted to do. She had received job offers from Google, the CIA and multiple Silicon Valley...

Dean Pearson finally ponies up for parking changes

Students will no longer be jockeying for parking spaces.
April 1, 2018

With recent squabbles over parking at Mercer University, the administration has decided to bring the school back to the basics. Dean of Students Douglas Pearson made the final decision regarding parking. “We...

Baby Bear Watch: When will the baby bear get here?

Baby Bear Watch: When will the baby bear get here?
April 1, 2018

Last year, the unfortunate news broke that Tot had filed for divorce after being married to Toby for 50 years. However, since the couple has gotten back together, they have announced that they are expecting...

The Godsey Science Center is falling apart—and so are its students

The crazy halls in the Godsey Science Building have caused considerable damage to students’ mental health.
April 1, 2018

The Godsey Science Center shines like a beacon on the research side of campus. All straight lines and glass—it’s a beautiful testament to Mercer’s development as an institution. Too bad it’s...

Willet remodeled into bunker, leading students to post-apocalyptic academic success

Construction of Willet Bunker began during the Spring 2018 semester. During the planning process, the bunker decorat-
ing team ensured that sprinkler systems were installed so that concrete hallways could be watered at all times.
April 1, 2018

Tuesday May 7, 2024 Today marks four years since the asteroid impact that started the Zombie Apocalypse which promptly wiped out the world.  Mercer evacuated students and staff to the Willet bunker,...

Greek houses become relaxation spaces for administration

Greek houses become relaxation spaces for administration
April 1, 2017
“We believe that the ongoing professional and personal development of our staff necessitates a greater investment in the elimination of stress,” the press release stated. “In an effort to be proactive, we are turning each fraternity and sorority house into a specialized space for relaxation.” The release outlines some of the planned areas, including a lounge with billiard tables, foosball tables, $3 pitchers, a spa specializing in hot rocks massages and carpal tunnel therapy, a massive ball pit, and a trap house with the latest goodies.

First annual Surfin’ Bear Invitational to take place at Ocmulgee River

First annual Surfin' Bear Invitational to take place at Ocmulgee River
April 1, 2017
Johnny Kapahala, the world-class surfer from the ’90s Disney Channel original movie, Johnny Tsunami, is the favorite to win the event, but the waters will be unlike any he has ever faced. “You know I've already won a couple snowboard competitions in the past so I'm used to trying new things,” Kapahala said. “But honestly I'm not sure that I'll be able to compete as well this week. I mean, I am used to sharks and high tide, not snakes and river current.”

Mazurkiewicz goes No. 1 overall in WNBA draft

Mazurkiewicz goes No. 1 overall in WNBA draft
April 1, 2017
“She’s a raw prospect,” said the Silver Stars’ head coach, Vickie Johnson. “But we fell in love with her tape — everybody did. It was so unique. It became a nationwide sensation because it brought people so much joy.”

Trouble in Bearadise?

Toby stands in smoke, which is fitting considering his relationship with Tot had burst into flames.
April 1, 2017
Mercer mascot Tot has recently filed for divorce from her husband and co-mascot Toby. This Mercerian power couple has been together for 50 years, but it looks like that was 50 years too many.

Provisions on Demand offers students unparalleled dining experience

Provisions on Demand offers students unparalleled dining experience
April 1, 2017
Provisions on Demand might be the one place where you can buy tampons and popcorn without going to a different aisle. What a true gastronomical and psychologically enhancing experience.
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