Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable (but award-winning) horoscopes

Aries (3/21 - 4/19)

Happy birthday, Aries! A serious celebration is in order. (The kind where you wake up with your pants on backwards and marker phalluses stained into your forehead. And a new haircut. And the inexplicable presence of a domesticated raccoon.) In your debauchery, do not overlook the celebration-worthy happenings in the lives of your friends. Example: your amigo will be upset if you can’t stop your own party long enough to congratulate him on his grad school acceptance.

Single? Invite strangers.
Attached? Pretend to like the gift from your partner.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)

Congratulations are in order, Taurus! Whatever it is that you’ve achieved, make sure to reward yourself and inform your loved ones. However, do be aware that tragedy often follows on the heels of success. Do not be surprised if misfortune befalls you soon after your accomplishment. Don’t let the sudden twist of fortune upset you. The wheel is constantly spinning; there is no permanence in this topsy-turvy world.

Single? Buy your crush celebratory libations (such as Kool Aid).
Attached? Don’t act superior to your lover.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)

You are worried about a loved one, Gemini. While the concern is probably physical, you are also adroitly aware of the calamitous mental states of those you care about. Be there emotionally and physically for your loved one, but do not let the pain of others define your existence, or you too will find yourself in an unfortunate state. Allot yourself time to relax and meditate. You owe it to yourself, and it will ultimately help avoid problems in the future.

Single? A little harmless flirting can relieve stress.
Attached? Your lover wants to understand what you are feeling. Be honest.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)

Give yourself a break from social activity, Cancer. As much as you love your friends, they can become stressful, and the struggle to keep up with them is slowly wearing down on you. The next time they try to convince you to go to the bar or on any other adventure, do not be afraid to tell them no. Sometimes you just need to stay in, eat grapes and do crossword puzzles. There is nothing wrong with that.

Single? Avoid superficial relations by not hooking up with a stranger at the Bird.
Attached? You can occasionally turn down hanging out with your partner if you want.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Leo (7/23 - 8/22)

You’re going to want to backup all of your files, Leo. (Or at least the ones you wish to keep). When you let the ancient smoke out of your laptop and your entire collection of photos, documents and music disappears with it, you’ll be glad you took the time to secure them. It also couldn’t hurt to start saving up for a new computer. Alternatively, get the okay from your professors to turn in papers written in calligraphy. (Also, learn calligraphy.)

Single? It might be useful to lose all of those photos of your ex.
Attached? Start writing love letters with calligraphy.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)

You’re likely to win a substantial sum of money soon, Virgo. You will achieve this end through the tried-and-true method of gambling. You can try to get rich using legal gambling avenues such as the lottery, or you can go a bit under the radar and bust out some cards or dice. Either way, make sure to quit while you’re ahead, and don’t forget you’ve got to be in it to win it.

Single? Dress fancily when you enter into the gambling arena. It’ll let everyone know you’re a big deal.
Attached? You could spend the money you’re going to make on a nice milkshake for your lover.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Libra (9/23 - 10/23)

Time for gluttony, Libra! Any ideas you had about moderation, forget about them. Who cares about caloric intake or liver health? Not you! You need all of the chocolate, steak and chocolate covered steak that this town has to offer. Sign up for a credit card and see how quickly you can max it out. Extra credit if everything you get with it is perishable.

Single? Share with your crush: not enough to threaten your need to consume everything, just enough to say “You’re special.”
Attached? Demand that your partner feeds you grapes and truffles. In a bikini.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)

You’re searching for some sort of great pattern to the universe, on the hunt for the great self actualization in the sky, Scorpio. While lofty goals are certainly respectable, they’re far from achievable at this point. Try taking each of your conundrums and writing a haiku for it. This small poetic structure will best control the vastness of your mental wanderings. (If that doesn’t work, you could always try selling your soul. You’ll get answers and hellacious guitar skills.)

Single? All the better for personal discovery.
Attached? Your partner doesn’t understand what it is you’re looking for.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)

It’s time to get fit for summer, Sagittarius. You might as well do this in the most intimidating way possible. Industrial Macon is home to Middle Georgia Boxing, a boxing gym for the whole family. Go there, get a membership, and invite the whole family (Mom too). You’ll tone your body, get a couple of impressive concussion stories and be the worst person to rob. Who doesn’t want to kick an ass every now and then?

Single? All sorts of violent hotties hang out at the boxing gym.
Attached? Bring your significant other.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)

You will experience problems within your home soon, Capricorn. Whether it’s feuds with roommates or a cat that won’t stop peeing on your laundry, you’re going to have to think quickly in order to solve your domestic discomforts. If tensions are starting to build between cohabitants, try going to the park or getting some frozen yogurt together, to reinforce the friendship before capitalizing on domestic disruptions. If your cat starts clawing at the hamper, buy a spray bottle.

Single? More cats!
Attached? Your partner is causing some domestic issues.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)

You’re experiencing an irrational level of fear right now, Aquarius. Perhaps something recently happened in your life to make you skittish, but you can’t allow that thing to control you. (If you do, the terrorists win!) When you start to panic, try taking ten deep breaths and fix yourself a nice cup of tea. If that doesn’t work, violence is always a useful catalyst for bravery.

Single? Try imagining your crush in his or her underwear. For inconspicuousness’ sake, carry a well-placed notebook.
Attached? Invite your partner to your panic room.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)

Turn off the TV and socialize by reading aloud with your friends, Pisces. Pick a good book of contemporary poetry or a prose work with a great beat to it (I recommend Kerouac’s The Subterraneans), put on a pot of coffee (or a bottle of vino) and take turns getting lost in the timbre of your friends’ voices. It’s much more engaging than drooling dumbly at Jersey Shore.

Single? People love social intellectuals. Gather your book club and watch the underpants drop like flies.
Attached? Literary interaction will allow for the formation of a deeper bond.
Lucky days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.