Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable (but award-winning) horoscopes

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)

Happy birthday, Taurus! Between all the end-of-semester assignments you have due and the daunting reality of finals, it might seem as if the universe is prohibiting you from celebrating your birth. And it is. But don’t let that bum you out. Demand at least a two-hour study break for birthday dinner with friends. If you accept libations, make sure to edit your inebriated work before submitting it.

Single? Invite your crush to your birthday dinner.
Attached? Don’t be offended if your partner is too stressed with finals to get you a gift.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)

Happy birthday, Taurus! Between all the end-of-semester assignments you have due and the daunting reality of finals, it might seem as if the universe is prohibiting you from celebrating your birth. And it is. But don’t let that bum you out. Demand at least a two-hour study break for birthday dinner with friends. If you accept libations, make sure to edit your inebriated work before submitting it.

Single? Invite your crush to your birthday dinner.
Attached? Don’t be offended if your partner is too stressed with finals to get you a gift.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)

You’re actually too healthy, Cancer. This must be remedied at once. No more vegetables for you. From now on, you are only allowed to eat fast food burgers, boxes of Coco Puffs (sans milk), potato chips and those milkshakes they just started selling at Bear Necessities. Also, you are to have absolutely zero exercise. If you’re expected to walk somewhere, you can’t go. 50 pounds heavier, you’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.

Single? Cool.
Attached? Don’t share your delicious eats.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
You’re about to enter a new chapter of your life, Leo, and it will be marked by outstanding success. You will flourish in whatever endeavor you undertake, especially those in the creative fields. This is not to say that you should not prepare for the transition. Success in the long-term grows upon a foundation of wholehearted, proactive initial involvement. There is no time for half-assing in your bright near-future.

Single? You’ll be successful in this field, too. Wear protection.
Attached? Don’t let your success disrupt the balance of your relationship.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)

You’re going to need to rely on a large dosage of stimulants (specifically caffeine, you tweaking fiend) in order to make it through the next few weeks, Virgo. You’re buried under a metric crapton of schoolwork, and nothing is disrupting your productivity quite as badly as sleeping. (Okay, so Facebook isn’t exactly helping either.) Lay claim to your favorite booth in Tarver’s 24-hour study room, invite some friends, and get everything done.

Single? Your true love only comes out at night.
Attached? Invite your partner to your coffee-fueled fiestas.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Libra (9/23 - 10/23)

You’re feeling exceptionally expressive but can’t seem to get anyone to listen to you, Libra. Try accessing your overflowing emotions through art. Specifically, try something with your hands. Do something that’ll stay under your fingernails for a while. Try your hand at pottery or sculpture. Don’t worry about the finished product being perfect; just concentrate on what feels right at any given creative moment.

Single? Brood. People dig brooding artists.
Attached? Do your art alone, but make something for your partner. Or use your partner as inspiration.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)

Change of life-plans, Scorpio. Your true calling is actually to train koalas. Lucky. So go ahead and drop out of school, quit all current employment, and move to where the koalas are. (Is that Australia? You tell me. You’re the koala expert.) Load your suitcase with preservative-chocked pastries to tide you over while you’re in the forest and to share with the koalas. Nothing gains a koala’s trust like a Zebra Cake.

Single? Koalas will love you even if you don’t comb your hair or bathe.
Attached? You have to do this koala adventure alone.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)

Love is in the air for you, Leo. Whether you’re just developing a new romantic interest or you’ve been in a relationship for a stretch, you feel more romantically drawn to someone that you have in years. You get giddy when you hear a certain person’s voice and you’re dreaming of silly shit like holding hands and picnics. Moreover, this excess of cuddly emotions is reciprocated. You’re so cute people want to squeeze your eyeballs out.

Single? Not for long.
Attached? If there was a cutest couple superlative, you’d get it.
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)

Someone very close to you needs you right now, Capricorn. You might have noticed a loved one behaving differently, seeming distant and melancholy. Be there for that person. Just listening to your friend over a cup of coffee, letting him or her know that you’ll be there and care indefinitely could vastly improve his or her current state. Your friendship could be exactly what this person needs to get out of that slump.

Single? Do not take advantage of a distressed friend’s vulnerability.
Attached? If your partner seems to want space, allow it.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)

You’re looking to make some sort of meaningful life change, Aquarius. Maybe you’re considering moving, changing majors or taking your relationship to the next level. Whatever it is that you’re doing, remember that drastic change for the wrong reason won’t necessarily fix your problems. If you’re prone to restlessness, you’ll only find solace in change for a brief while. As soon as the newness wears off, you’ll still feel like you’re stagnating.

Single? There’s no harm in that fling staying casual.
Attached? Don’t pop the question until you’ve had a serious conversation with your partner.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)

Pinpoint your happy place, Pisces. If you don’t have one readily available, create one. Soon you will find yourself under a pile of obligations and stress, and you’ll need the occasional break. Find somewhere you can be comfortable and alone with your thoughts. Keep it organized enough that the sight of it won’t stress you out. The more relaxed you are in your happy place the more easily you’ll be able to sort through your problems.

Single? An attractive friend will confide in you.
Attached? Your partner might struggle with your need for alone time. Too bad.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Aries (3/21 - 4/19)

I’m going to miss instructing you on how to properly live your life by the stars, Aries. This year of silly divination has consistently given me something to look forward to. You’re going to have to live your life without my guidance now. To learn more about the stars and maybe start your own astrological wanderings, go to the planetarium at the Macon Museum of Arts and Sciences. On peyote.

Single? You will find someone who fascinates you, but beware. You might not be able to keep up with this person for too long.
Attached? Have 20 babies together.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.