Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)

Happy birthday, Sagittarius! You’ve been on your best behavior recently, doing what is asked of you almost without question, trying to keep your priorities appropriately ordered, tidying up without your roommates even asking you to. Good job! You’ve deserved a reward for your exemplary behavior. Go out to dinner, drink a bit too much juice, and let your friends shower you with praise. You’ve earned it!

Single? Someone reading in public will catch your eye this week.
Attached? Your partner might be feeling particularly amorous towards you. Go with it.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)

Eyd doof eulb htiw oopmahs rieht ecalper dna, tcepser emas eht meht yap. Yawyna uoy ot netsil reven yeht esuaceb ylbaborp si siht. Uoy dnatsrednu tonnac yeht taht egdelwonkca neve t’nod elpoep emos taht eciton thgim uoy tub, htuom ruoy fo tuo semoc ti erofeb llew yas uoy gnihtyreve tuoba kniht ot uoy ecrof siht lliw ylno ton. Nrocirpac, sdrawkcab gnitirw dna gnikaeps ylno yad eritne na dneps.

Single? Keep your tongue tied and you’ll win someone’s affection.
Attached? You specifically should think about what you say to your partner before you say it.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)

Despite the fact that you are currently brimming with brilliant ideas, Aquarius, your creative energy is being stifled under all of the stress of these last few days of the semester. Set aside time for freedom. This might require plotting out all of your time until your final final is complete, but as long as you have the opportunity to write that opera (or try out that new re-rack in your favorite kind of pong) that you’ve been contemplating, it will be worth it!

Single? The person you like will find someone else. Channel the heartache into a creative outlet.
Attached? Bounce ideas off your partner.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)

Go ahead and start planning your New Year’s Resolutions, Pisces. Do you want to floss more, learn Russian, get fit, start a collection of armadillos? The sky is the limit! Plan everything out: know not only what your want to achieve, but also what steps you will take in order to make certain that your goals are realized. (Although, armadillos can apparently transmit leprosy to humans, so be very sterile when starting that collection.)

Single? This is your last chance to make your move on that cutie in your class!
Attached? Take swing dancing classes.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Aries (3/21 - 4/19)

Looking for some extra holiday cash, Aries? There are all sorts of viable, non-taxable employment options! Offer to rake leaves for your neighbors, grade papers for teachers who have reached crunch time, or sell some of those pesky eggs (or sperm). You could even attempt to serve as personal protection for anyone willing to pay for it, but do avoid looking too much like the mafia.

Single? Maybe you could make some dough as a (sexually unexploited) escort.
Attached? You could save some money by “forgetting” to buy your lover a gift.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)

You’re feeling particularly romantic these days, Taurus. Whether this is because fashionable coats turn you on, love is an enjoyable excuse to procrastinate for studying for exams, or Venus is moving through your house of love… it doesn’t matter! Embrace this feeling. Be as amorous as you can. Write poems, open doors, do some light petting at a park. Find what (or who) impassions you, and let the emotions consume you.

Single? More space for free love that way.
Attached? How lucky your lover is!
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)

Everyone knows how important your family is to you, Gemini. But let’s be honest, they don’t provide an atmosphere quite appropriate for your break. So blow them off and blow your savings on a last minute trip to the Bahamas. Or maybe New Orleans would be easier? [Okay, you can invite your family if you absolutely want, but they have to be willing to deal with your bathing suit (or bead) clad antics.] (Repetition of the word “woohoo!” will be in order.)

Single? You’re destined for a winter break fling!
Attached? It might be appropriate to invite your partner on this vacation.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)

Okay, Cancer, we get that you’re stubborn. And good for you, knowing exactly what you want out of life. That being said, it’s getting a little ridiculous. Knock it off. You know you’re wrong, everybody knows you’re wrong, so just swallow your rampant pride and admit it. Once you admit it aloud, the bottled-up rage that several people have been harboring against you will be diffused. Only then can you be forgiven for acting like such an ass.

Single? Admit it.
Attached? SERIOUSLY ADMIT IT.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Leo (7/23 - 8/22)

Your lack of energy might be a result of your lack of energy, Leo. You can’t muster up the power to get out of bed and get involved with wacky hijinks because your body has become accustomed to lethargy. In order to up your energy level, start waking up an hour earlier than usual and taking a jog around the block or hitting the gym before getting ready for the day. The effect that this minute change will have on your day is immense.

Single? Try jogging to a public place. While there, read a book.
Attached? If your partner is partly to blame for your laziness, encourage him or her to exercise with you.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)

It’s time to cross-dress, Virgo. Whether it’s something that you’ve never considered or it’s an art you’ve nearly perfected, your ability to be deceptive (and to feel damn good doing it) is heightened right now. If you’re new to the whole process, take baby steps. Take a trip to Goodwill (or to a friend’s closet) and pick out a number that makes you happy. Wear it around the house, and if you love it, go out. You’ve never felt so right.

Single? Maybe you’ll meet someone while you’re out in drag.
Attached? Your partner should accept your wardrobe decisions.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Libra (9/23 - 10/23)

You just can’t seem to get in the holiday spirit, Libra. You’re going to have to do something about that. Search for some alternative Christmas music (such as Rappy McRapperson’s “Gimme Stuff” or “I Farted on Santa’s Lap” by The Little Stinkers) and listen to it while drinking too much eggnog. Try sending cards to your family and friends. Even if the cards aren’t seasonal, it will brighten their day that you thought about them.

Single? Organize a Secret Santa party among your friends.
Attached? Victoria’s Secret offers some getups that should get you in the spirit.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)

Start looking for a new place to live, Scorpio, because someone, whether it’s your roommates, your landlord, or your RA, has grown incredibly sick of you. Usually I would encourage you to undertake steps to become a more sufferable person to live around (cleaning and volume control), but it’s far too late for that. You’ll be kicked to the street before you even realize it’s happening. A little sucking-up couldn’t hurt, but it probably won’t really help.

Single? Maybe you can flirt your way onto a couch.
Attached? Your partner doesn’t want to board with you.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.