Hasbro’s Furby returns with frightening upgrades

Furby made its upgraded technological comeback earlier this year, and I could not be more afraid. Can you imagine the type of destruction that this thing can do if released into human society?
I remember in third grade, my best friend had a Furby. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. My friend hated the thing, but I couldn’t understand why. She told me never to turn it on. I obeyed, and we moved on with our lives.
However, I was stubborn and was fixated on wanting to know what that mysterious furry thing did. Not quite a bird, but resembling a baby owl – sort of, I had to have one.
A short time later, I got my wish. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t. That stupid Furby tormented me. Sure the first few days were cool. I named it, I talked to it, and of course I put my finger in its mouth when it was hungry. Hearing the iconic “YUUUUUMMM” sound it makes was like music to my ears.
The novelty of having a Furby faded fast. That stupid Furby would not shut up. Any bump or cough or sneeze would wake the Furby from its slumber. Mine had the audacity to get mad at me if it hadn’t slept long enough.
I shoved the thing in the back of my closet only for it to start talking in the middle of the night. I had nightmares. My last resort was to take the batteries out, but even after I did, the Furby KEPT TALKING. How that is even possible, I still have no idea.
Right now, my Furby is probably in the deep dark recesses of my attic making friends with the other demonic figures that lurk up there.
So when I heard that the Furby was coming back, I freaked. Too many nightmares. After looking at the descriptions and random preview videos that are floating around the Internet, there is plenty of reason to run the other direction. But something about the Furby draws kids in, and those demonic devices are sure to make top sales, yet again.
There are many reasons why I think the whole Furby idea should have been locked in a vault, never to be released into human society again. I even compiled a list.
1. The furry exterior is the ultimate disguise for a terrorist attack. I’m not talking about a 9/11 type of terrorist attack – I’m talking about a horror film, Gremlin type thing.
They may look cute and innocent, but I’m pretty sure if Furby was able to get itself banned from the Pentagon as a threat to national security, there is something wrong…just saying.
2. The new Furby has big, white, glowing LED lit eyes that take up about a third of Furby’s body. While these eyes may significantly contribute to the range of emotion that Furby can convey, the eyes are also rather intimidating LED pools of infinite depth indicating where the soul should be.
3. The darn thing talks back to you. Sometimes it is incredibly angry and will growl and snap at you in its Furbish language. Other times it is so happy that it won’t shut up — more often the case than not.
4. There’s a Furby app. You know when something is truly taking over the world once Apple buys in. They created a Furby iOS app that offers a translator and a way to feed your Furby. It’s kind of like a Tamagotchi, but it won’t die if you don’t feed it, that’s good…not. I’d rather my Furby starve to death after I get mad at it.
5. Furby has NO OFF SWITCH. WHAT THE HECK!? It’s not fair. Something that annoying should definitely come with an off switch.
They say if you leave it alone long enough, it will eventually fall asleep, but any type of loud noise or jostling would wake it up in a heartbeat. The Furby is kind of like a baby. However, unlike a baby, you can throw and jostle this little fur ball around and slam it against the ground if you really wanted to. The unfortunate thing is that the Furby might not even break…a child would.
Since I couldn’t say it more eloquently myself, a review on Gizmodo stated that the Furby is for, “Children. Lonely children. Neglected children. The children of criminals. Evil babies. The senile. CIA black site prisoners. Skeletons. Hated cats. Madmen. Other robots. The hounds of hell.” Accurate.
Also featured in that interview was the unforgettable line, “The Furby is like an electronic frat party stuffed into a faux-fur chassis.” I’m not really sure what that means, but I will leave it to you to interpret.
6. The Furby undergoes schizophrenic-like personality changes. In one product testing instance, the Furby underwent a ‘change’ after having its tail pulled over and over again. Its eyes turned into cows and he said “I CHANGING” followed by “wild vibrations and seizure-inducing eye flashes.” The Furby’s voice changed in addition to his personality. The product tester hated the Furby after that since there was no pleasing it. She became a slave to the Furby.
7. Furby can provide a fairly accurate simulation of what effects long-term psychological and physical abuse can have on a psyche. In a medical school environment this toy could be useful. Not appropriate for children, if you ask me.
Overall, the Furby would provide some good amusement every once in a while for a few minutes at a time. Prolonged exposure actually makes you want to hurt it, so that you could punish it for its very existence. The longer you have it, the more it bothers you, the more it makes you feel like a bad person for hating it. You want to destroy it but doing so would make you too much like the Sid from Toy Story, and no one wants that.