‘The Hillbilly Rises’: bad movie idea, worse TV show

Why!? Why are we watching “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”? When I first saw the commercials for the show, I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation. It’s not like “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” is quality TV, but then again, I’m not really sure what constitutes as quality anymore. One thing is for sure, this show has certainly proved entertaining.
When commercials for the new hit TLC show started airing, I immediately vowed never to watch the show out of self-preservation. During the week of finals, my roommate and I watched several  YouTube videos documenting her brief appearance on Toddlers and Tiaras.

The portions of the show we saw in video form were highly quotable, but YouTube quality at best. You know, that weird part of YouTube you sometimes find yourself on and  no one every really admits exists. Usually, when you find yourself watching nothing but cat videos, you’ve arrived.
Anyway, I changed my mind when it became personal after Honey Boo Boo herself came to visit my hometown, Warner Robins. If she was going to feature my hometown on her show, I needed to witness what kind of shame she was bringing to my family and friends.
Watching ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is like watching a train wreck. You don’t want to watch, but you can’t seem to tear your eyes away from the redneck circus performance that is in front of you.
The show takes place in Honey Boo Boo’s home, McIntyre, Ga., 40 minutes east of our beloved Macon. Being in such close proximity to cray-cray makes me a little sick to my stomach. I’ve already had cousins in California ask if my friends and I go to the Redneck Games in Dublin every year. Really? NO.
My cousins aren’t even the only ones who have started asking questions like that. I’ve heard a slew of comments about how this show proves that the stereotypes of the South are true. Just because we live in the South doesn’t mean we all act like this.
Although, I do hate to admit that I can understand what her family says without the subtitles. Perhaps I’m simply good at understanding ‘foreign’ languages. Or I’ve infiltrated the redneck/hillbilly society enough to the point that I’ve become one of them. I don’t want to think about the latter as even being a viable choice.
Just about every episode I’ve watched is the same with some variation in the type of crazy that the show presents. The title sequence features the entire family standing there smiling, and then you hear a rather loud, flatulent noise. Everyone proceeds to yell “Mama” in a southern drawl, ‘Mama’ laughs and the show begins.
Alana, or rather Honey Boo Boo, usually introduces the show to some degree. She plays with her tummy in some form or fashion. The family talks about how chubby everyone is, at least once. ‘Mama’ says how ‘beautimous’ she is, sneezes a few times in the middle of her interviews, and gives bizzarely worded yet factual pieces of advice. The pig, Glitzy, squeals out “Alana” a few times. The family banters about something ridiculous, and before you know it, you have just wasted roughly 30 minutes of your life.
Congratulations. I would say you’re better for it, but I don’t want to lie to you.
I guess if you really wanted to take something away from this show, you could always view it as a social commentary of sorts. The theme of bad parenting and even worse morals can be argued as universal. After all, ‘Mama’ was 15 when she had her now-pregnant 17-year-old, none of the daughters have the same father, and ‘Mama’ has refused multiple marriage proposals from ‘Sugar Bear’ —Alana’s father —who nonetheless has lived with the family for 8 years.
There’s also the issue of caffeinating a 6-year-old with what would be a lethal dose of caffeine in my system.
Introducing Honey Boo Boo’s “go-go juice,” a concoction of Red Bull and Mountain Dew. “Go-Go juice” gives you wings — more like a heart attack. Plus, Honey Boo Boo isn’t even a good pageant queen. She’s a hot mess. Her wigs are always askew, her daisy-dukes are kind of scary, and that ‘belly-dancing’ needs to stop.
Honey Boo Boo, child. Look at your life, look at your choices.