Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

Happy birthday, Scorpio! You’re going to have a fantastic week, which will be a welcome break from the stress and anxiety that’s been pummeling you for the past month or so. You will be reunited with an old friend, but make sure not to fall back in to old (bad) habits. You will also find a small sum of money on the ground. Treat yourself, or, even better, give it to the homeless.

Single? Things are looking up for you romantically. Don’t be surprised if someone with whom you flirt wants to get more serious.
Attached? Invite your date along on your reminiscent adventure.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

You’re beginning to feel like your friends don’t take you seriously enough, Sagittarius, and your suspicions might be justified. If you are tired of your suggestions and ideas being ignored, don’t be afraid to attempt to make new friends. This is not to say that you should ditch your current group of friends; just make sure that they realize that you are an intelligent person with plenty of opportunities.

Single? Wear that blue shirt that flatters you so well and bring a book to Dolce Vita.
Attached? If your partner is among the people who aren’t taking you seriously, a conversation is necessary.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Your power of influence over other people is incredible right now, Aquarius. Your charisma and intelligence are virtually palpable. Utilize your pull for something that’s beneficial for more people than just yourself. (That’s not to say you can’t use your skills to score free milkshakes or something.) Take on a fundraising project or start a petition.

Single? Now is the time to win your crush’s adoration! Be assertive—never aggressive.
Attached? Your family really wants to meet your new love interest, and your partner is beginning to feel marginalized because you haven’t arranged it. Arrange it.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

It’s proving to be difficult for you to get out of bed these days, Pisces. Either you aren’t sleeping enough, you’re sleeping too much or you are sick. Become the master of your body. Stay hydrated and try to get about 30 minutes of cardio exercise a day. This should give you an energy boost. Set a bedtime for yourself, and actually adhere to it. Wake up early enough to shower and to get some caffeine before starting your day.

Single? Once you start feeling more alert and awake, your romantic life will take an upward turn.
Attached? Realize that bedtime means sleep-time. Plan sexy time accordingly.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.

Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

You think too highly of yourself, Aries. Realize not only that you are a mere mortal, but also that everyone you know is of equal standing as you. Your self-absorption, while usually a somewhat endearing trait, is inflated currently and will drive your friends away until you are lonesome and miserable. Avoid this fate by making note, even if silently, of your own flaws and making an effort not to call attention to the shortcomings of others.

Single? Reconsider that date offer you turned down.
Attached? If you guys have been arguing more than usual, try apologizing.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

Distant memories are so vivid for you right now that you might lose yourself in them, Taurus. You’re so overcome with nostalgia that you find it difficult to focus on the present. You do not need to forget the important moments of your past, but if you harp on them and analyze them too much, they will seem somehow less meaningful. Alternatively, if you cannot get over painful memories, they can consume you.

Single? If your nostalgia has you considering calling on an ex, first meditate on why you two aren’t together anymore.
Attached? More cuddling.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

Considering an abrupt change in life plans, Gemini? If you’re fed up with whatever course of action that you have been following and sick of whatever goals you’ve established… you’re not too old to change your mind. You aren’t at Mercer for career training; you’re here for an education. If you are dissatisfied with the way that your life is panning out, take initiative and change things.

Single? If there is someone you want to date, ask him or her.
Attached? Are you and your partner on the same page about how serious your relationship is?
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

You can’t stop focusing on your phobias, Cancer, which is both reasonable and dangerous. Yes, everyone’s going to laugh at you; of course your toilet is as filled with snakes as your bathtub is with black widows; elevators do exist to entrap you. These are the basic facts of your life. Whatever you obsess over comes true. Your will is as incredible as it is unfortunate. Either calm down, or accept your poetic doom.

Single? Your fear of rejection will lead to rejection.
Attached? Your trust issues will create behavioral issues.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

[Don’t] have a private backwards day, Leo. [Don’t] tell everyone that it is backwards day. If anyone inquires as to whether it is, in fact, backwards day, the answer would, of course, be no. (Remember that backwards day only applies to things that aren’t illegal. No still means no for other people, it’s just notably more confusing for you.) [Wait, no, it makes absolutely perfect sense to you.]

Single? We all put our shirts on one leg at a time.
Attached? Your partner hates you the most, you unlucky dog!
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

During registration, sign up for a kind of class that you’ve never taken, Virgo. Assuming that your schedule can allow for frivolous registration, give new departments and fields a try. It’s the best way to meet exciting new people and learn something that would otherwise be foreign to you. You might discover a new passion and even be tempted to alter your life’s plan. (If this happens, contact Gemini. You guys pick up new talents and fascinations together.)

Single? The person of your dreams might be in the random class you decide to take.
Attached? Don’t take a class your partner is in. The point is to meet new people.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

You’re grumpy, Libra, and you deserve to be. Revel in your moodiness. Complain. Procrastinate. Take too much personal time. You are granted up to 10 days of being unpleasant, but don’t be an ass. Once your grumpiness spills over on to someone else, you’ve initiated a cycle of suck that no one wants to deal with. You’re like that kid from Pay It Forward, only “It” is crap.

Single? If your relationship status has anything to do with your foul mood, please recognize that the advice above won’t do anything to solve it.
Attached? If your partner is causing your disdain… breakup time!
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.