Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

Happy birthday, Libra! Celebrate your existence by treating yourself to something nice: a new pair of shoes, that little technological marvel you’ve been wanting, or an extended trip to North Africa. You’ve removed yourself from the spotlight too many times. Focus on your needs and desires; everyone else can wait their greedy little turns.

Single? Organize a girls’ or guys’ night. Be super cliché. Paint your toenails with the ladies or smoke cigars with the fellas.
Attached? That zit your lover has? Pop it.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

Never lose that childlike wonder, Scorpio. People love that you can wake up every day as though the world is brand new.  Your ability to find something extraordinary in even the most mundane marginalia of life makes you memorable and loveable. At the same time, don’t allow this to be an excuse for ignorance. Learn from every discovery; remember every fascination.

Single? You don’t know it, but a friend of yours is in love with you.
Attached? Although you might find everyone enchanting, do not allow this to develop in to infidelity.
Lucky Days:Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Your friends’ social lives depend wholly on you, Sagittarius. Don’t allow this Halloween to be lame. It is your duty to become as scared, eat as many autumnally themed treats and wear the most outrageous costumes as humanly possible. Of course, you know this, but it is your duty to make sure that your comrades also partake in these activities. Once again, the fate of others is in your hands. No stress.

Single? Attend a costume party at a club you haven’t been to before. Don’t be afraid to be obnoxious.
Attached? Pop the question.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Tomorrow.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

Stop procrastinating, Capricorn! You know exactly what you’re doing when you have twelve different windows open in your browser when you should be studying for that psych exam and you can’t stop texting everyone. Deadlines will approach, with or without your complete preparation. The best thing for you to do is to shut off all distractions and focus only on the task at hand. Make a detailed to-do list and actually follow it.

Single? Flirting can wait until you’re finished with that essay.
Attached? Flirting can wait until you’re finished with that essay.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Wow, Aquarius, you’re sick of just about everything right now, aren’t you? If you’re considering taking a break from basically everything, you should. If your friends and family are simply too needy right now, take a day or two off from them in order to recoup. Turn off your cell phone, disable your Facebook, and spend some alone time listening to your favorite band or writing. A small break now is better than a giant breakdown later.

Single? It seems you prefer it that way.
Attached? Don’t be afraid to take a breather from your partner.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

You’ve got an incredibly heightened sense of perception as well as intuition right now, Pisces. When you get a gut feeling about something, trust it. If you don’t feel safe doing something and don’t know exactly why, DO NOT DO IT. If you have a sneaking suspicion that you need to call a long-lost friend or a family member, do so immediately. Your insight borders on clairvoyance these days. Trust yourself.

Single? Go to a public place and go wherever you feel your spirit draws you.
Attached? If you sense that your partner is feeling uncomfortable around you, ask what is wrong.
Lucky Days:Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

You are simply bursting with creativity these days, Aries. Utilize your increased imagination! That instrument gathering dust in the corner? Pick it up and take it to the park! Get to work on that novel you’ve been dreaming up. Buy several tiny canvases and paint them in a way that they are thematically linked. The world is your muse; take advantage of your bounteous inspiration!

Single? Write an anonymous love letter to your crush.
Attached? Base one of your works of art or a character on your partner.
Lucky Days: Caturday!
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

You’ve been itching for adventure recently, Taurus. Make the best of your wanderlust. Start checking the internet now for the best prices for flights over the summer. Thinking Central America? Brush up on your Spanish. The trip that you have to plan in order to fulfill your travel desires goes well beyond the spas and hotels; you’re going to have to get involved with the local culture. Pack no more than a backpack—it’ll be a lot to carry around the rainforest (/desert/tundra).

Single? You’ll meet someone very special on your big adventure.
Attached? Bring your partner with you!
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

Your libido is in high gear right now, Gemini, whether or not you realize it. Your confidence has skyrocketed over the past few days, and will continue to do so for weeks. Trust me, it has not gone unnoticed. People are transfixed by your self-assuredness. (Perhaps you’re noticing other people as much as they’re noticing you?) Harness your increased dreaminess and charisma in order to get the attention that you so richly deserve.

Single? Live it up, Sexy!
Attached? Your lucky, lucky lover.
Lucky Days: All of them!
Unlucky Days: October 23 and 29.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

It is not okay to remain silent while an injustice occurs near you, Cancer. Pretending a problem does not exist does nothing to solve it. If you have reason to believe that someone that you know is trapped in a harmful situation, it is your duty as a fellow human being to do everything in your power to try to help that person. The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE.

Single? Don’t be afraid to make eye contact. It suggests that you are confident and strong-willed, traits that are attractive as well as important.
Attached? Make sure to communicate clearly with your partner.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

It’s time for a makeover, Leo. You’ve become too predictable, too comfortable in your ways. Shake things up! First of all, get a spunky haircut. Try listening to music that you aren’t accustomed to or getting involved with downtown (or uptown) scenes that you’ve never experienced before. Only when you are no longer comfortable can you excel.

Single? Consider new relationship possibilities. If you’re usually straight, think about testing the waters.
Attached? Your partner will appreciate the new you as much as you will.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

The stressors of your home life are seriously weighing down on you, Virgo. Do not scoff at the idea of a councilor. If you are feeling maladjusted, it is best to consider finding someone to help you work through your issues than to bottle them up. The longer that the stress and pain build up within you the harder these things will hit you when you finally soften your stoic exterior and allow yourself to truly experience your emotions.

Single? Confide in a close friend. If you feel alone, establish a stronger bond with a peripheral friend.
Attached? Be aware if your partner is one of the causes of your personal anguish.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.