Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

You’ve already invested plenty of time and energy into pursuing your life’s goal, Libra. You mapped out the future long ago and have been working toward making this ideal a reality ever since. Give up that goal and begin working toward a new plan. Move to the Rocky Mountains and open up a parka store at the base of an often-hiked mountain. Pick one with some gruesome tales in its historical arsenal to scare your consumers in to spending more money. You will prosper.

Single? Learn calligraphy.
Attached? It’s like a rain dance.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

Your ego has been bruised recently, Scorpio. For whatever reason, you feel as though you’ve been publicly humiliated and that you must redeem yourself in the eyes of your peers (or, even worse, your superiors). Go about your redemption process respectfully. Above all, do not slander anyone else in your disadvantaged state, because this will only worsen public opinion of you. Try to handle your embarrassment nobly, and do not regret the past. What happened, happened.

Single? Go to trivia.
Attached? Use mouthwash.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: October 9.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Do not allow consumerism to get the best of you, Sagittarius. You can claim that your preference of name brands is based on quality, but deep down you know you choose name brands because they make you feel identifiably wealthy or established. Avoid defining yourself by what you buy, and furthermore do not trick yourself into believing that you are at heart who you pretend to be in public. A person who does not know himself can never rest.

Attached? Expect a surprise.
Lucky Days: October 13.
Unlucky Days: October 8, 11 and 15,

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

Start a holiday shopping fund, Capricorn. Ration how much money you will allow yourself to spend a week and put the rest in savings. Try to save at least 30% of each paycheck. If you tend to go out to eat multiple times a week or are a splurge spender, cut back on your costly habits. It is worth inconveniencing yourself slightly over the course of several weeks to not put yourself in complete debt once you have to cover all of the expenses of the holiday season.

Single? Draw caricatures.
Attached? Only cheap dates for you.
Lucky Days: October 12.
Unlucky Days: October 7.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Someone will cut in line in front of you very soon, Aquarius, and you won’t know how to handle it. You won’t be sure if anyone else saw ot if anyone else cares, and because of the uncomfortable situation you will remain silent throughout the entire process, but inside you’ll be fuming. You’re going to stay angry, constantly wondering what would have happened if only you had told that jerk to get in the back of the line, or roundhouse kicked him. When the cutting happens, bellow.

Single? $2 Tuesdays.
Attached? Go to the fair!
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: October 6.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

You can’t hide it any longer, Pisces. You’re a karaoke god. It’s time to come down from your divine mountain and grace the public with your glorious stage presence and exemplary pipes. Go to Rivalry’s (near Northside) Thursday night and sign up for a song. You must be heard! (While there, order some boneless jerk wings and play a round of pool. Designate a driver.) Remember, everyone’s eager to hear Journey, but they’re more impressed by Nicki Minaj.

Single? Don’t stop believing.
Attached? You’re slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye.
Lucky Days: October 14.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

It’s time to rehash your signature characteristics, Aries. Switch your body wash, cologne or perfume. If you’ve got a certain hair style you like or staples of your wardrobe, don’t use them this week.
If you usually wear heels, give slippers a shot. If you generally wear sweats to class, put on some slacks. You will be surprised how many people will take note of these seemingly minor changes. Variance can be fun; become a chameleon.

Single? Don’t be anymore.
Attached? Don’t be anymore.
Lucky Days: October 16.
Unlucky Days: October 9.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

Dedicate one day to watching a trilogy, Taurus. The original Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Indian Jones are all viable options. Invite friends to join you, and declare the event a pajama party. Ask that pajama partiers bring something to contribute, whether it is food, beverages, the trilogy, or an alternate source of entertainment (like a puzzle or some crayons). Enforce a strict “no productivity” rule for this pajama party. You’re watching a trilogy, there’s no excuse for homework or grant applications.

Single? Dress nicely Friday.
Attached? Find a hot tub.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: October 14.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

It’s time to find a new favorite band, Gemini. Get to work searching the internet. Use Pandora’s suggestions. DIG! Once you find your new jam, you must dedicate yourself fully to them. (Think becoming a Dead Head, only for a band that’s still relevant.) This is going to require some serious life changes. Nothing but band tees in your wardrobe, and you’re going to have to invest a substantial amount of money in traveling with the band.

Single? It’s easier to be a groupie that way.
Attached? Send each other origami love notes!
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

When you’re sniffing around later this week trying to determine exactly where that putrid stench is coming from, don’t ask for anyone else’s help. Because as soon as you realize that the smell is emanating from you (most specifically your feet), you’ll be fairly ashamed. You’ll wish you hadn’t called attention to it. So don’t. Go ahead and invest in some fragrant shoe spray and make sure to always wear socks. (And change them after one day, man.)

Single? It’s the smell.
Attached? Your mate is  a brave one.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

You are teetering on the edge of healthy fascination and dangerous obsession, Leo. Whatever it is that has you so mesmerized, make sure not to let it completely control your life. Your friends and family know that you dedicate yourself entirely to whatever you pursue (Gemini could take notes from you), but they also know that you shouldn’t  allow everyday life to take a back seat to your whims and passions. Get a grip.

Single? Give yoga a try.
Attached? Listen to the advice of your partner.
Lucky Days: October 9, 11 and 16.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Your fears are getting the best of you, Virgo. Whether it’s the future, the past, or snakes that has you petrified, you need to keep everything in a logical scope. It’s not that very likely that you’re going to be trapped in an elevator with a woman in labor. It’s not very likely that your middle school bullies are going to sneak into your economics class to give you a wedgie. It’s not very likely that you’re going to wake up one morning as a cockroach. Remind yourself of these things.

Single? Don’t fear loneliness.
Attached? Don’t fear your mate.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Wednesdays.