Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes


Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Happy birthday, Virgo!
It’s obvious that you’re eager to begin partying, but you must remember that, with all the stressors the school year brings, it is necessary to devote at least a sizeable portion of your time to studying. Failing a chemistry exam makes for a horrible birthday gift.

Single? Attend one of Macon’s many fine places of worship. There’s a holy hottie waiting for you!
Attached? It’s time to have that conversation you’ve been avoiding having.
Lucky Days: September 14, 19 and 20.
Unlucky Days: September 8, 10 and 22.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

Your friends are becoming concerned about certain habits of yours, Libra. In order to calm their concerns, you need to sit them down and find out exactly what it is that has them so worried. If their concerns are logical, you might need to consider a serious life change. Rermember that the actions you take alter the rest of your life, and the habits you form now will take their toll eventually.

Single? You need this time for serious introspection.
Attached? Your mate is worried about you, too.
Lucky Days: September 8, 12 and 16.
Unlucky Days: September 15, 18 and 20.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

You were recently cursed by a member of a highly spiritual clan, Scorpio. You will develop festering blisters and gradually lose your grasp on language if you do not immediately annoint yourself in oils and ambrosia and fill your living space with sandalwood incense. (A small animal sacrifice couldn’t hurt, either.)

Single? You’ll remain that way until the animal sacrifice.
Attached? Your partner wants to surprise you. Don’t get suspicious or you’ll ruin it.
Lucky Days: September 18, 21 and 22.
Unlucky Days: September 11, 16 and 20.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

You haven’t been challenging yourself properly, Sagittarius. You are known for your passions and your gregariousness. If you quell the fire within you, what makes you memorable? Do your research, Sagittarius. There are bound to be issues (or people) about which you can become inflamed. Pursue your passions. You must be active.

Single? I’m not advocating drunk texting, but it couldn’t hurt.
Attached? You’d be surprised how far a love letter can go.
Lucky Days: September 17, 19 and 21.
Unlucky Days: September 10, 14 and 18.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

You’re feeling intimidated by someone who shows more prowess than you, Capricorn. Whether it be acedemic, romantic or in the workplace, it’s time to step up your game. One cup of coffee in the morning has been shown to increase brain stimulation. So has doing one sudoku puzzle a day. Get on it!

Single? Attend a few Zumba classes. (See above article for details.)
Attached? Express your undying love with refridgerator magnets.
Lucky Days: September 9, 12 and 17.
Unlucky Days: September 10, 16 and 19.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

You need to reconsider your preconceived notions, Aquarius. Maybe Dungeons and Dragons could be fun. Maybe you aren’t actually allergic to peanuts. Maybe public nudity isn’t technically illegal. If you go your whole life trusting the judgments of others, you will never be able to formulate your own opinions. Be true to yourself. (Go streaking while eating peanuts… like a dwarf.)

Single? Go to Smiley’s flea market. Take your pick.
Attached? Draw moustaches.
Lucky Days: September 11, 15 and 19.
Unlucky Days: September 9, 13 and 21.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

It’s time to get resourceful, Pisces! There are plenty of things you need, but you’re experiencing a severe desire to save money. So, save it! Simply buy some tape, safety pens, rubber bands, flan… anything! And get to work. I’m sure you can make a minifridge with a cookie cutter or a set of shin guards out of some spatulas and gum.

Single? MacGyver yourself a date to the movies!
Attached? Settle down together on the couch for a MacGyver marathon. (It must last at least 4 hours.)
Lucky Days: September 13, 15 and 22.
Unlucky Days: September 9, 11 and 18.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

You’ve been experiencing a bit of an existential crisis recently, Aries. It’s the quarter-life slump. Maybe you’re reconsidering your religious traditions or you just learned that the brontosaurus never, ever existed. When faced with complete paradigm shifts, it might seem that there is no truth. But don’t have a panic attack. Truth exists in the friendships you’ve established. Lean on your friends, and be available when they need you.

Single? Give up on your crush.
Attached? Try that one… thing.
Lucky Days: September 14, 16 and 18.
Unlucky Days: September 20, 21, 22.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

You will stumble upon a great secret very soon, Taurus, and it could cost someone a job or even a life. In this case, knowledge really will be power. Do your best not to become corrupted, and don’t behave out of unwarranted cruelty. It’s more honorable to remain silent than to become the town gossip. If you make the wrong decision, your conscience will overwhelm you.

Single? Go commando next Tuesday.
Attached? Spend time together at a playground.
Lucky Days: September 14, 19 and 21.
Unlucky Days: September 8, 20 and 22.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

Recently, Gemini, you’ve found it difficult to distinguish between daydreams and reality. While it is acceptable and even encouraged to be a dreamer, there are times when your nonsensical whimsy deters you from being particularly functional. Keep your imagination, but make sure you can still be of use in the real world. There’s a fine line between quirkiness and a mental disorder.

Single? Buy a bus ticket to Milwaukee.
Attached? You won’t regret the matching tattoos.
Lucky Days: September 8, 9 and 16.
Unlucky Days: September 12, 17 and 19.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

You know what song is stuck in your head, Cancer? That one song by TATU (the Russian lesbians) that goes “All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head, running through my head, ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID!”
(I told you it was stuck in your head.)
The only way to rid your mind of this groovy tune is to learn to play it on the flute. Get to work.

Single? Take flute lessons.
Attached? Take flute lessons.
Lucky Days: September 16, 17 and 18.
Unlucky Days: September 9, 14 and 19.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

Your life is going to change drastically very soon, Leo, and it’s possible that you aren’t prepared. Look to the future. Accept the things that are unreachable for you, and work unrelentingly toward the things that are achievable. You deserve to excell, so do not let this life change prove to be a hinderance for you. Ration your time out appropriately, because it is more precious than you have recently been giving it credit for.

Single? Take yourself out to dinner.
Attached? Cuddle. Now!
Lucky Days: September 10, 13 and 20.
Unlucky Days: September 11, 18 and 21.