by Emily Garrott
If you have a sick sense of humor and are in the mood to get back at your parents for years of smothering and restraint, the Cluster is here to help. Reminiscing on our collective freshman experiences, here are a few tried and true methods guaranteed to make your parents rue the day they moved you to Mercer.
Silent Treatment-Wait as long as possible to call your mom and dad for an update. After an extended amount of time without contact, parents will generally start to lose their minds, giving them a little taste of the mild insanity you endured in high school.
A Taste of the Occult-If your parents are of a religious strain and were excited about your decision to attend a private college with a Christian heritage, tell your parents you have in fact been attending church. Technically, the services were held in the middle of the woods and required you to bring an offering to the pagan gods, but faith counts, right?
Friends Don’t Let Friends…-When asked how well you are adjusting to college, respond that you have made great progress with the homeless man who sleeps in front of M.E.P. or Plunkett. He always greets you in the morning after a long night of party hopping.
Merpo is the BOMB-Campus security is important to parents of freshmen. Reassure them with the knowledge that Mercer police officers have escorted you back to your dorm room multiple times after close encounters downtown.
M.I.A.-Academic success is essential to any student pursuing higher education. Your parents need to know that you love college and your professors are the best: they never actually require you to attend class, and homework is never checked.
Searching for Mr./Mrs. Right-Mothers are always eager to hear about significant others. This time when she asks if you are seeing anyone special, tell her your love life has been pretty busy. Last weekend you went out with Jim Beam twice, had lunch with Evan Williams, went dancing with Jose Cuervo, promised to go to formal with Jack Daniels and met a cool guy in French class named Andre. If you are a boy, tell her you met an interesting exchange student named Svedka Smirnoff and asked to join Bailey’s study group.
The Mark of a Party Animal-Moms always know how to get out tough stains. Call up one day and ask if she has a secret remedy to remove some tough sharpie marks on your hands. If you still cannot get those ‘X’s off by Sunday morning, fear not: plenty of your fellow Mercerians bear the downtown tattoo for several days after enjoying the Macon party scene
The Proof is in the Payment-Dad will inevitably call for an update on your finances. Proudly send home receipts with purchases from the liquor store, and explain to them exactly what the charges from the Rookery and Asylum mean.
Laundry 101-Everyone hates having to wash their clothes. Some parents still do students’ laundry when they come home on break. Impress them with your new wardrobe of fraternity, sorority and organization tees. This prevents you from ever needing to investigate the pile of filthy clothes stowed under your bed.
Oh, the Caf-When Mom and Dad call to ask how much you miss home-cooked meals, inform them that your friends have been participating in a liquid diet and avoiding the cafeteria like the plague.