Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

(divined) by Alicia Landrum


Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

Happy birthday, Aries!
You will be going on an incredible adventure soon, Aries. Have you recently stumbled upon a treasure map? Make sure to keep an open mind and look at it from all directions. It is easier to become disoriented than you think.

Single? Make a scrapbook.
Attached? It’s bad form to have tickle fights in public.
Lucky Days: April 16, 24 and 25.
Unlucky Days: April 19, 20 and 21.



Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

Happy birthday Taurus, as well! You haven’t been sleeping enough recently.It might seem to more productive, but you’ll crash by finals week, so sleep. (Besides, creepy Soviet experiments proved people lose their minds without sleep.)

Single? Dress well and take yourself out for a nice dinner. Order dessert and eat it all. Every other restaurant patron will be envious.
Attached? Assemble kites together and fly them in the park.
Lucky Days: April 14, 18 and 26.
Unlucky Days: April 22, 25 and 27.



Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

You are avoiding somone right now, Gemini, and he or she is both aware of this and very unhappy with you. Either confront the person or move and assume an alias.

Single? Someone with hazel eyes will strike your fancy soon. If you find yourself around this person over the summer, results will pan out in your favor.
Attached? Stop posting on each other’s Facebook walls so frequently. Please.
Lucky Days: April 18, 22 and 25.
Unlucky Days: April 20, 23 and 26.



Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

You need to place your health at the top of your priority list right now, Cancer. Be sure to incorporate plenty of vegetables into your diet, and eat at least one orange a day (to ward off scurvy). Try to make more time for the gym, and drink lots of water.

Single? Your soul mate is wearing a red shirt.
Attached? An ex will make an appearance soon who might cause problems in your current relationship. Stay strong and avoid violence.
Lucky Days: April 14, 17 and 20.
Unlucky Days: April 19, 21 and 24.



Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

You’re very intuitive right now, Leo. If there has been a certain recurring character in your dreams, consider it a sign. Try to remember this person’s features, behavior, and relation to you in the dream. He or she might become relevant in your waking life soon.

Single? Plan a flash mob.
Attached? Join a drum circle together.
Lucky Days: April 19, 23 and 26.
Unlucky Days: April 15, 18 and 25.



Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Your passion and creativity are your driving force, Virgo. Harness these skills to direct and shoot a short film about farm animals. Cast your friends and family in the film, and pay them in Pringles and lemonade. Require everyone to wear wigs to the first screening.

Single? Have a foreign film night with a few friends. (No one will lose respect for you is you need subtitles.)
Attached? Three words: potato sack race.
Lucky Days: April 17, 20 and 22.
Unlucky Days: April 16, 19 and 24.



Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

There is never a wrong time to wear a costume, Libra. Compile at least seven costumes and wear them sporadically. Occasionally change into them in phone booths.

Single? Pick up an instrument you’ve never played before. Practice frequently.
Attached? Arguments are a natural part of relationships. Try to listen to your partner’s point of view before calmly explaining yours.
Lucky Days: April 16, 21 and 24.
Unlucky Days: April 14, 20 and 27.



Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

The last few weeks of school are bound to make you unbearably stressed. Draw yourself a bubble bath, rig up a shower radio, and relax. (If you absolutely insist, you can read while you are in the tub.)

Single? Have a yard sale. It will help you with Spring Cleaning and earn some cash.
Attached? Plan a trip to Lake Tobesofkee together early in the morning. Watch the sun rise and go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast.
Lucky Days: April 14, 19 and 26.
Unlucky Days: April 17, 23 and 25.



Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Organize a hot dog eating contest for your friends and your neighborhood, Sagittarius. Don’t send out invitations more than a few weeks prior to the event, because giving people the opportunity to train affords them the chance to out-eat you.

Single? Meditate on a goal daily. Focus your energy and see what you can achieve.
Attached? Treat your partner to an Indian dinner.
Lucky Days: April 17, 20 and 23.
Unlucky Days: April 15, 19 and 25.



Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

It is time for you to go to a hypnotist for a bit of regression, Capricorn. Bring only one friend or family member with you to keep track of what happens. You will be surprised what you can learn about yourself when you are unconscious.

Single? Cook something- anything- and put bacon on it. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.
Attached? If you haven’t met each other’s families, don’t you think it’s time?
Lucky Days: April 15, 18 and 26.
Unlucky Days: April 22, 24 and 26.



Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Redecorate your bedroom to look like Mars. It will require lots of red, some dust, some poles of dry ice, and something that might be a Sphinx.

Single? Bust out your old Ricky Martin tapes. Sing along loudly. Repeat this exercise with Hanson.
Attached? Surprise your partner with flowers and a mixtape (or with a can of corn and a table saw).
Lucky Days: April 20, 23 and 27.
Unlucky Days: April 16, 18 and 22.



Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

It’s time to get a haircut, Pisces. You look like a hippy. Make sure to bring a photo of your desired new hair-do, or you almost certainly won’t get what you want. Cosmetologists often take more creative license than one would prefer.

Single? Plant a small flower garden.
Attached? Go to a performance of the Rocky Horror Picture Show together. Of course, you must dress accordingly, lingere galore.
Lucky Days: April 17, 21 and 26.
Unlucky Days: April 22, 24 and 25.