Kathleen hates the Kardashians




Why would anyone want to keep up with the Kardashians? Seriously.

I’ve been very fortunate in that I’ve only seen clips from the horrendous E! production (can it even be called that?) on “The Soup” because I don’t like to waste my time with bad TV. If you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I’m just going to assume your remote is lost because there is no other valid excuse. 

Why are they famous again? Because Kim had a sex tape and continues to have, apparently, a very large derriere? Those aren’t really good things to be famous for. I think. I don’t know, I’m not famous, but I’m just pretty sure that if you want to be famous you’re going to want to be famous for talent, not your fat deposits and bedroom activities. 

Kim must have realized this because she tried to showcase a possible talent and recently released a song titled “Jam.” I say “song” in the same way I say that her TV series is a “show.” Ironic quotation marks are needed, my nerds. 

“Jam” sounds like a rejected Ke$ha song. Even with the liberal use of Auto-tune (sigh), Kim sounds monotone and bored. Bored in one computerized key. But you know she’s convinced this song is the new car-trip anthem or something equally ridiculous. 

And just so you know that I’m not lying to you, here’s a sample of the lyrics: “Imma burn it out tonight, it’s going down/By live via satellite/And all I see is angels in my eyes/Buzz got me way up in the sky.” 

What?! I know not all pop songs are deep examinations of society and the human condition, but come on. And I seriously doubt that the “angels in my eyes” is a Doctor Who reference. I’m just pretty sure about this one, guys.

Possibly more pathetic is the fact that Kardashians will literally put their name on anything. ANYTHING. Acne cream, diet pills, your firstborn child, etc. Sometimes they take it off after a poor marketing campaign, but you know they probably didn’t even remember what product they were talking about that day. 

Kim was upset about her W magazine photo shoot, shocked that they let her nude photo appear in the magazine. Well, when you pose nude, Kim, is it really a surprise there will be nude photos? And you posed for Playboy. Oh, and again, you’re famous for filming yourself having sex with Ray J. You don’t really have the moral high ground here. 

Kourtney and Khloé are the other sisters — yeah, everyone else forgets they exist too. They are currently “taking Miami.” Stay in your own city; I’m sure Miami doesn’t want you. I haven’t confirmed that, but I’m just taking a very educated guess. 

These women are not good role models. One — I don’t know which, they blur together and I’m afraid to Google the Kardashian name too much — was in a seemingly abusive relationship with the pothead father of her child (I say seemingly because I don’t know how much the producers edited film to make it look a certain way. E! needs viewers, you know. And reality TV is fake). 

Outside of that, they are just extremely inappropriate on the Internet. I understand that their only selling point is their “sex appeal” (because that’s all attractive, curvy women can offer the world) and they probably act a certain way to market themselves. But when you’re aware hundreds of little girls are following you on Twitter and idolize you, maybe you shouldn’t Tweet more mature content. I know that can be considered censorship and unfair to the Tweeter, but I just think it’s a responsibility of someone who wants to be in the public eye (and God, do these girls want to be in the public eye). 

Their interview on Conan was probably the most uncomfortable thing I have ever seen. They just said outlandish, crude things and whispered to each other (rude, by the way. Don’t come on air to talk to each other, do that at home). Conan was at a loss for words and just let them carry on. Also, why do they have to do interviews together? They aren’t Cerberus. They can separate. …Can’t they? 

I just think credit should be given to people who have a little more to offer to the world than large bottoms and scandals worked into a mindless TV program.  Stop keeping up with these women, nerds. Please.