No more vampires, okay?

Kathleen Quinlan

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I don’t understand this whole vampire fad. Why won’t it go away? Can someone stake it?

Sure, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” was awesome. But it was awesome because she was killing vampires. Nowadays, vampires are supposed to be sexy or something.

No, people who want to rip your throat out are not dreamboats and they are not swell. It’s pretty rude, not charming.

It seems that once the fad recedes, it resurfaces almost instantly. We all know about Anne Rice and her vampires and all of the sudden, the Cullens come out of nowhere. Why is “Twilight” real? Why is “Twilight” considered literature? It’s just a collection of words and typos. There’s no content.

Bella Swan is probably the worst character ever conceived in history. And that’s including Carrie Bradshaw, so you know it’s bad. If you’re going to write a bad love story, Stephanie Meyer, then at least make your main character interesting. But no. Bella is the ultimate submissive woman, obsessed with Edward, her vampire boyfriend. What was Bella going to do if Edward didn’t come into her life? She had no goals, dreams or aspirations.

And Edward Cullen is not dreamy. He’s dead, guys. Unless you’re into necrophilia, that’s not really a good quality to have in a boyfriend. He also has nearly every characteristic of an abusive spouse: he drives Bella everywhere, isolates her from her friends and has violent mood swings. And so on. How is that romantic?
Just because you can’t be with someone and he’s dangerous doesn’t mean it’s a sexy romance. If it’s forbidden, that usually means that it’s a bad idea. And we all know that “Twilight” is some creepy dreamy Meyer had one night.

I think if you’re going to have a stale plot, you should at least have solid writing. Meyer doesn’t and even her editor was too bored to notice dozens of typos. Also, use descriptive words that are not “Adonis” or “perfect.” Computers have thesauruses.

All I’m saying is that it’s not love if all he wants is to kill you and all you want is to sleep with him. I know that seems like it’s pretty normal, but it’s not. If your relationship is like that, please leave it.

And if you announce that you’re waiting for your Edward Cullen on Facebook or Twitter,just be prepared to be alone forever. Not just because he’s fictional, but because people do not find that charming. At all. They think it’s straight up crazy.

And I know what you’re thinking: “But Buffy loved Angel.”

True. But the difference is that everyone knew it was messed up. Everyone said it was
morbid and they tried to avoid each other for awhile.

Also, Buffy had a personality, so that also makes her situation a little more sympathetic. But when she’s trying to make Angel her boyfriend, he said, ”This isn’t some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don’t wake up from a deep sleep to a happily ever after.”

See. They don’t want her to become a vampire. They want a relationship, but know that they can’t. And then when they try, Angel loves her and leaves her (one of the more overt metaphors of the show). He’s cursed. He loves Buffy, but unlike Edward, he knows that it’s more problematic than just controlling his urges.

While Edward is a “vegetarian,” Angel still drinks human blood and has to control himself.There’s canon within the Buffyverse. There is none in “Twilight.” Becoming a vampire is a whole biting thing, but that seems to be missing from “Twilight.” Also, how could Edward produce non-venomous semen to knock Bella up? It just does not make sense.

And now there are even more vampires with “The Vampire Diaries,” “True Blood” and probably 15 other shows I don’t know exist. We all know Buffy would stake them all.

But probably what is most offensive about “Twilight” is that when you rewatch “Buffy,” you can see what Meyer was trying to do with Bella and Edward. But she failed miserably and she ended up just making an insane fandom composed a little girls and repressed mothers.

I wish the first chapter of “Twilight” ended with, “And then Buffy staked Edward.” Then it would be awesome.

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