Image: Needa Bigbear
Trouble in Bearadise?
Mercer mascot Tot has recently filed for divorce from her husband and co-mascot Toby. This Mercerian power couple has been together for 50 years, but it looks like that was 50 years too many.
“I’m immortal, so it doesn’t really matter to me how long we’ve been together. I have no concept of time,” Toby said.
News of the divorce dropped during the latest basketball game when Tot stole the microphone from Toby during one of his speeches.
“I don’t want to be your wife anymore,” she said. “Go Bears!”
Tot later claimed in a press conference with the Cluster that she didn’t mean for the microphone to pick up on what she was saying to Toby. Even so, that wasn’t her only fumble of the night.
“Mercer just can’t be beat, Mercer makes you feel the heat! Toby, I moved all of my stuff into Pounce’s apartment and the divorce papers are folded on your bed, just like your socks were all 50 years we were married. Good luck figuring out how to fold your socks on your own,” Tot said in front of the crowd.
Tot suspected that Toby had relations with Duke University’s mascot, the Blue Devil.
“Tot shows up at my place, crying uncontrollably, and I’m not really sure what to do.” Georgia State University’s mascot Pounce said, “We’re not really that close, but she needed a place to go. For $10,000 room and board a semester, I’m not about to say no.”
Despite popular speculation, Toby denied Tot’s allegations that he and the Blue Devil were involved.
“We beat Duke,” Toby said, at least seven times before continuing, “I like to drive up to Duke, or call their admissions office when I’m feeling down and tell them that in 2014, our basketball team won a game against them. I understand that I spend a lot of time doing that, and maybe that’s something I need to go to CAPS about, but I would never cheat on Tot, ever.”
Toby has not been seen wearing socks since news of the divorce came out. Mercer waits to see if he can turn this marriage around, or if he will read a Wikihow article on folding socks.
Note: This is a satirical piece produced by the Cluster team in honor of April Fool’s day. Thanks for reading.