Dear friends, some of you believe in the prophetic powers of psychics. I am here to provide a service that is drastically needed by thousands of people just like you. Today, I will discuss the proper method for handling bad news from a psychic.
Your bad news might be horrifying, but have you considered its source? Try to diagnose the type of prophetic advice you received, and determine its accuracy. Some of you have trusted family psychics or readers who you consider fairly reliable. If this is the case, feel free to move on to the advice in Step 2. Many of you have been reading the awe-inspiring predictive zodiac section of The Cluster. Fortunately for you (or perhaps unfortunately) the prediction accuracy for The Cluster is an astonishing 100 percent. However, some other fortune-tellers and soothsayers have less than positive results. Our crack team of investigators compiled a totally exhaustive and completely arbitrary list of specialists in the unknown. Here is a chart to help you determine the trustworthiness of your newly received prediction, based on the accuracy rate of the source.
Your grandma’s cousin Earl: 15%
Nostradamus’ cousin Earl: 17%
Psychic who was advertising on the side of Pio Nono: 26 %
Palm reader at the mall: 28%
Psychic advertising on late-night cable television: 32%
Fortune telling machine at the movie theater: 35%
Google’s “I’m feeling lucky” button: 38%
Your Vegas Bookie: 42%
Mercer Police Chief Gary Collins: 45%
The new bear statue: 50%
Determine the type of prediction you received. Was it about lost keys? Perhaps there will be a death in the family? Maybe the world will end in 2012? Determine the seriousness of the prediction and then assess its likelihood. Your impending doom is a serious issue and should be treated as such. Use all the intellect you possess to assess the situation. When in doubt, consult former and current clients of the psychic. They will be able to lead your thoughts in a positive direction, and guide you in the best way to handle your bad news.
Attempt to find some consolation. Consider calling your friends, family, co-workers, lawyers and the office of President Underwood. Those closest to you will certainly be a refuge for you in these trying times. If you have no friends in close proximity, try Facebook. Its international network of “friends” can assist you with advice and companionship. Try not to rely on Facebook alone, however, as the Iwnternet can be an unforgiving and harsh world.
If your death is predicted, be sure to have your affairs in order. (Note: This does not apply to apocalyptic predictions about the end of the world.)
Begin to live your life to the fullest. Make a bucket list and cross everything off. Read philosophy, embrace your greatest love, and tell your crush what you really think about him/her. Go skydiving and get a tattoo. Then, even if your prediction doesn’t come true, you can know that you have lived with no regrets. Except perhaps that tattoo.