Miley Cyrus: no Disney princess

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Kathleen Cyrus.

 

Miley Cyrus, who are you?

No, seriously. Who are you?!

Are you Miley Cyrus, Miley Stewart, Destiny Ray Cyrus, Miley Ray Cyrus or Hannah Montana? Or someone else?

I think you’re about due for an identity crisis. I am just thinking about your baker’s dozen of personas. 

Look, Miley Montana, I get you’re a Disney kid and you’re over exposed and bound to be annoying. But seriously, chill out.

So you smoked some salvia, which is legal and all that. But maybe next time, don’t have someone with a camera there? Keep this in mind the next time you give your film producer a lap dance in tiny jean shorts. I don’t care if he was gay, it was creepy and inappropriate. 

And, sure, Miley Montana, we’ve all made some mistakes as 16-year-old kids, but most of us are not famous 16-year-old kids. So when you send racy pictures to Nick Jonas, they’re going to leak. And when Vogue asks you if you’ve learned your lesson, maybe you should say yes instead of no. Because at that point, how could you not have? 

Also, maybe you shouldn’t be publically upset with Vogue’s cover image of you a few years ago. You were covered and you looked gorgeous. I don’t know how you were “mislead” since you were at the photo shoot. 

I know you’re trying to distance yourself from the whole Hannah Montana thing, but Miley, you’ve got to wear pants. You just do. You aren’t Lady Gaga, and between you and me, she should wear pants too. 

Sidenote: Please dye your hair a real color, stop tanning, lay off the eye makeup and brush your hair.

And your music needs to stop with the autotune. If you’re this musical prodigy Disney tried to sell you as, then why are you so autotuned? It’s gross. The beginning of the Hannah Montana series was the only time we really heard your voice. While it was a little nasally and forced, it was better than what you’re pushing out now. 

PS – I don’t get your songs. I mean, I get them, but do you? Because you don’t actually know what it’s like to be in school all day or what it means to walk the halls of a school? Or what it’s like to be invisible? You see what I’m saying? 

While your overacting is pretty bad, I think your dad’s is worse. Holy jeez, it’s bad. Talk about trying to get another 15 minutes of fame. Billy Ray is ridoucheulous. 

He’s claiming that he never made a penny off Miley – or Destiny Ray. Whoever. But what about all that money he made playing her dad? Or writing songs? I think some money was made via Miley. 

Billy Ray is also claiming that he was not around when Miley smoked the salvia and it’s not his fault. Yes, it is, guy. Be a father, not an exploiter. Stop trying to get sympathy by saying Hannah Montana tore your family apart. It was your idea and you were the one who pushed Miley into that. Also, your relationship with her was pretty creepy. Like, for realsies.

All I got from Hannah Montana was that Miley Stewart was very annoying, loud and deceitful while Hannah Montana was apparently raised by drag queens. Oh, and Miley somehow never missed school despite having all these concerts and press opportunities. But I guess I just don’t know what it’s like to be both a pop star and a regular 16-year-old girl. It seems like it’s a very narrow market.

Oh, and don’t name Miley’s most serious boyfriend Jake Ryan, Disney. Not cool. John Hughes’ ghost must be so sad. And it’s a reference I doubt your target audience understood.

Basically, nerds, the point is that Miley Cyrus is pretty annoying no matter what name she is going with.

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