Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

Happy birthday, Libra! Celebrate your existence by treating yourself to something nice: a new pair of shoes, that little technological marvel you’ve been wanting, or an extended trip to North Africa. You’ve removed yourself from the spotlight too many times. Focus on your needs and desires; everyone else can wait their greedy little turns.

Single? Organize a girls’ or guys’ night. Be super cliché. Paint your toenails with the ladies or smoke cigars with the fellas.
Attached? That zit your lover has? Pop it.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

Never lose that childlike wonder, Scorpio. People love that you can wake up every day as though the world is brand new.  Your ability to find something extraordinary in even the most mundane marginalia of life makes you memorable and loveable. At the same time, don’t allow this to be an excuse for ignorance. Learn from every discovery; remember every fascination.

Single? You don’t know it, but a friend of yours is in love with you.
Attached? Although you might find everyone enchanting, do not allow this to develop in to infidelity.
Lucky Days:Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Your friends’ social lives depend wholly on you, Sagittarius. Don’t allow this Halloween to be lame. It is your duty to become as scared, eat as many autumnally themed treats and wear the most outrageous costumes as humanly possible. Of course, you know this, but it is your duty to make sure that your comrades also partake in these activities. Once again, the fate of others is in your hands. No stress.

Single? Attend a costume party at a club you haven’t been to before. Don’t be afraid to be obnoxious.
Attached? Pop the question.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Tomorrow.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

Stop procrastinating, Capricorn! You know exactly what you’re doing when you have twelve different windows open in your browser when you should be studying for that psych exam and you can’t stop texting everyone. Deadlines will approach, with or without your complete preparation. The best thing for you to do is to shut off all distractions and focus only on the task at hand. Make a detailed to-do list and actually follow it.

Single? Flirting can wait until you’re finished with that essay.
Attached? Flirting can wait until you’re finished with that essay.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Wow, Aquarius, you’re sick of just about everything right now, aren’t you? If you’re considering taking a break from basically everything, you should. If your friends and family are simply too needy right now, take a day or two off from them in order to recoup. Turn off your cell phone, disable your Facebook, and spend some alone time listening to your favorite band or writing. A small break now is better than a giant breakdown later.

Single? It seems you prefer it that way.
Attached? Don’t be afraid to take a breather from your partner.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

You’ve got an incredibly heightened sense of perception as well as intuition right now, Pisces. When you get a gut feeling about something, trust it. If you don’t feel safe doing something and don’t know exactly why, DO NOT DO IT. If you have a sneaking suspicion that you need to call a long-lost friend or a family member, do so immediately. Your insight borders on clairvoyance these days. Trust yourself.

Single? Go to a public place and go wherever you feel your spirit draws you.
Attached? If you sense that your partner is feeling uncomfortable around you, ask what is wrong.
Lucky Days:Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

You are simply bursting with creativity these days, Aries. Utilize your increased imagination! That instrument gathering dust in the corner? Pick it up and take it to the park! Get to work on that novel you’ve been dreaming up. Buy several tiny canvases and paint them in a way that they are thematically linked. The world is your muse; take advantage of your bounteous inspiration!

Single? Write an anonymous love letter to your crush.
Attached? Base one of your works of art or a character on your partner.
Lucky Days: Caturday!
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

You’ve been itching for adventure recently, Taurus. Make the best of your wanderlust. Start checking the internet now for the best prices for flights over the summer. Thinking Central America? Brush up on your Spanish. The trip that you have to plan in order to fulfill your travel desires goes well beyond the spas and hotels; you’re going to have to get involved with the local culture. Pack no more than a backpack—it’ll be a lot to carry around the rainforest (/desert/tundra).

Single? You’ll meet someone very special on your big adventure.
Attached? Bring your partner with you!
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

Your libido is in high gear right now, Gemini, whether or not you realize it. Your confidence has skyrocketed over the past few days, and will continue to do so for weeks. Trust me, it has not gone unnoticed. People are transfixed by your self-assuredness. (Perhaps you’re noticing other people as much as they’re noticing you?) Harness your increased dreaminess and charisma in order to get the attention that you so richly deserve.

Single? Live it up, Sexy!
Attached? Your lucky, lucky lover.
Lucky Days: All of them!
Unlucky Days: October 23 and 29.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

It is not okay to remain silent while an injustice occurs near you, Cancer. Pretending a problem does not exist does nothing to solve it. If you have reason to believe that someone that you know is trapped in a harmful situation, it is your duty as a fellow human being to do everything in your power to try to help that person. The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE.

Single? Don’t be afraid to make eye contact. It suggests that you are confident and strong-willed, traits that are attractive as well as important.
Attached? Make sure to communicate clearly with your partner.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

It’s time for a makeover, Leo. You’ve become too predictable, too comfortable in your ways. Shake things up! First of all, get a spunky haircut. Try listening to music that you aren’t accustomed to or getting involved with downtown (or uptown) scenes that you’ve never experienced before. Only when you are no longer comfortable can you excel.

Single? Consider new relationship possibilities. If you’re usually straight, think about testing the waters.
Attached? Your partner will appreciate the new you as much as you will.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

The stressors of your home life are seriously weighing down on you, Virgo. Do not scoff at the idea of a councilor. If you are feeling maladjusted, it is best to consider finding someone to help you work through your issues than to bottle them up. The longer that the stress and pain build up within you the harder these things will hit you when you finally soften your stoic exterior and allow yourself to truly experience your emotions.

Single? Confide in a close friend. If you feel alone, establish a stronger bond with a peripheral friend.
Attached? Be aware if your partner is one of the causes of your personal anguish.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Virgo:

It’s time to  gather new life experiences, Virgo. If you’re looking for some new clothes, skip Target and Old Navy. Instead, give some of the shops featured on page 11 a try. Opt for red wine instead of beer next time you go out. Go to a yoga class instead of weight training. If you’re vegan, eat a whole lamb.

Single? Spend some time in the library. Scholarly hotties hang out in the stacks.
Attached? Surprise your partner at work with a homemade lunch.
Lucky Days: September 25, 29 and October 6.
Unlucky Days: September 23, 30 and October 4.

Libra:

As classes become gradually more and  more unbearable, Libra, give yourself a chance to rest. Skip your earliest class, and spend the entire hour (at least) reading smutty romance novels or comic books in a lavender-scented bubble bath. Afterwards, refuse to think about whatever test or paper that has you the most stressed out until you’ve eaten a real meal.

Single? Allow yourself some non-committal flirting.
Attached? Demand a back  and foot rub.
Lucky Days: September 26, 29 and October 3.
Unlucky Days: September 23, 30 and October 5.

Scorpio:

Yes, Scorpio, you do need to go get that… ummm… thing… checked out by a medical professional. Immediately. You should have already rushed to the hospital days ago. Also, don’t let anyone touch it without a glove. A couple of gloves.
You have to take better care of yourself from now on, Scorpio. You only get one body, and if you don’t properly protect it, it will perish.

Single? Seriously, Scorpio, go to the doctor.
Attached? GO TO THE DOCTOR!
Lucky Days: September 28, October 1 and 5.
Unlucky Days: September 22, 26 and 29.

Sagittarius:

Your calls are being monitored by the United States government, Sagittarius. You need to ditch your cell phone, pronto. Register for a completely new number (preferably with a different area code) and a name change. Since facial recognition technology is so advanced, it couldn’t hurt to get lip implants or to bleach (or seriously tan) your skin.

Single? It will make it easier to skip town if necessary.
Attached? Make sure your lover isn’t involved in the plot against you.
Lucky Days: September 22, 23 and October 5.
Unlucky Days: September 25, 30 and October 3.

Capricorn:

Damn, Capricorn, you look good! Have you been working out?
Whether or not you’ve been hanging out in the gym, it’s time to show yourself off. Be confident with your physique. Wear clothes that show off your form, and make certain to smile. You smell of sex (in the least nasty way possible) and candy. Rock it!

Single? All the better to be sexy.
Attached?  Your partner is aware how lucky he or she is. Are you?
Lucky Days: September 24, 27 and October 4.
Unlucky Days: September  30, October 1 and 6.

Aquarius:

It’s time to purge, Aquarius. You’re surrounded by too much junk: your space is too cluttered, you have too  many acquaintances that are detrimental to your well-being and you have too many things to do. Your stress level won’t decrease until the amount of crap in your life decreases. Make lists to weigh what is necessary and what is not. Everything that isn’t important goes to the dump. (The friends too.)

Single? Prioritize appropriately.
Attached? Don’t let your partner add to your stress.
Lucky Days: September 24, 28 and October 3.
Unlucky Days: September 29, October 2 and 4.

Pisces:

No fast food for you, Pisces. No frozen meals, no canned vegetables. From this point forth,  you are only permitted to eat what you catch, shoot, or grow. If you live on campus, this is going to prove particularly difficult for you.
Oh well! It’s time to become self-sufficient. Once you’ve mastered feeding yourself, make your own shoes, underwear and lambskin condoms.

Single? Become a secret admirer.
Attached? Farm together.
Lucky Days: September 25, 29 and October 2.
Unlucky Days: September 24, 28 and October 3.

Aries:

Shut off the TV and read a freaking book, Aries. You’re starting to sound uneducated and annoying. From this moment forward, don’t ever, EVER, reference Jersey Shore or Kate Plus Eight in public again. Those who are frequently around you are likely to flog you if you exhibit any more of your oral flatulence. Those who are rarely around you are likely to cheer your floggers.

Single? Stop pretending you don’t like that one person.
Attached? Be exceptionally sweet to your lover.
Lucky Days: September 29, 30 and October 1.
Unlucky Days: September 24, 26 and October 6.

Taurus:

Someone will come into your life soon who will change it forever and for the better, Taurus. Be open to new people and new experiences, because only through open-mindedness can  you become acquainted with this life-altering person.
This person will have dark hair and slightly crooked teeth, which he or she will show proudly when he or she smiles. Form a friendship.

Single? Perhaps the person you will soon meet will change that.
Attached? Go to Johnny G’s.
Lucky Days: September 22, 26 and October 4.
Unlucky Days: September 24, 30 and October 1.

Gemini:

Crowded rooms and highly interpersonal experiences have been making you particularly terrified recently, Gemini. You need to conquer your social phobia gradually. Start by reading in a secluded coffee shop or somewhere where people are unlikely to confront you. Once you have become comfortable in minimally social situations, go to a restaurant or park. Work your way up to a club. You’ll get your gregariousness back soon enough.

Single? Try to be sociable.
Attached? Find comfort in your partner.
Lucky Days: September 23, 24 and 25.
Unlucky Days: September 27, October 4 and 5.

Cancer:

You are feeling betrayed right now, Cancer. Maybe a family member has been distant, a friend has been spreading a rumor or a lover has been speaking to an ex. It is acceptable to engage the source of  your stress in a dialogue about the behaviors that have you upset. The people who are closest to you can sometimes be completely unaware of the emotional toll they can take on you.

Single? You need alone time.
Attached? Be patient.
Lucky Days: September 26, October 2 and 5.
Unlucky Days: September 27, 28 and October 6.

Leo:

Well, Leo, you’ve got several people frothingly jealous of you right now. (We call that sucess!) Whatever you’ve been doing recently, you’ve been doing it right. Don’t be afraid to outshine not only the competition, but also your comrades. You’re skilled at rubbing people’s proverbial faces in everything you do. I say, embrace your strengths! Let them be jealous while you kick ass.

Single? Other people’s partners don’t trust you.
Attached? Your partner trusts you too much.
Lucky Days: September 23, 25 and October 4.
Unlucky Days: September 29, October 5 and 6.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Happy birthday, Virgo!
It’s obvious that you’re eager to begin partying, but you must remember that, with all the stressors the school year brings, it is necessary to devote at least a sizeable portion of your time to studying. Failing a chemistry exam makes for a horrible birthday gift.

Single? Attend one of Macon’s many fine places of worship. There’s a holy hottie waiting for you!
Attached? It’s time to have that conversation you’ve been avoiding having.
Lucky Days: September 14, 19 and 20.
Unlucky Days: September 8, 10 and 22.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

Your friends are becoming concerned about certain habits of yours, Libra. In order to calm their concerns, you need to sit them down and find out exactly what it is that has them so worried. If their concerns are logical, you might need to consider a serious life change. Rermember that the actions you take alter the rest of your life, and the habits you form now will take their toll eventually.

Single? You need this time for serious introspection.
Attached? Your mate is worried about you, too.
Lucky Days: September 8, 12 and 16.
Unlucky Days: September 15, 18 and 20.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

You were recently cursed by a member of a highly spiritual clan, Scorpio. You will develop festering blisters and gradually lose your grasp on language if you do not immediately annoint yourself in oils and ambrosia and fill your living space with sandalwood incense. (A small animal sacrifice couldn’t hurt, either.)

Single? You’ll remain that way until the animal sacrifice.
Attached? Your partner wants to surprise you. Don’t get suspicious or you’ll ruin it.
Lucky Days: September 18, 21 and 22.
Unlucky Days: September 11, 16 and 20.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

You haven’t been challenging yourself properly, Sagittarius. You are known for your passions and your gregariousness. If you quell the fire within you, what makes you memorable? Do your research, Sagittarius. There are bound to be issues (or people) about which you can become inflamed. Pursue your passions. You must be active.

Single? I’m not advocating drunk texting, but it couldn’t hurt.
Attached? You’d be surprised how far a love letter can go.
Lucky Days: September 17, 19 and 21.
Unlucky Days: September 10, 14 and 18.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

You’re feeling intimidated by someone who shows more prowess than you, Capricorn. Whether it be acedemic, romantic or in the workplace, it’s time to step up your game. One cup of coffee in the morning has been shown to increase brain stimulation. So has doing one sudoku puzzle a day. Get on it!

Single? Attend a few Zumba classes. (See above article for details.)
Attached? Express your undying love with refridgerator magnets.
Lucky Days: September 9, 12 and 17.
Unlucky Days: September 10, 16 and 19.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

You need to reconsider your preconceived notions, Aquarius. Maybe Dungeons and Dragons could be fun. Maybe you aren’t actually allergic to peanuts. Maybe public nudity isn’t technically illegal. If you go your whole life trusting the judgments of others, you will never be able to formulate your own opinions. Be true to yourself. (Go streaking while eating peanuts… like a dwarf.)

Single? Go to Smiley’s flea market. Take your pick.
Attached? Draw moustaches.
Lucky Days: September 11, 15 and 19.
Unlucky Days: September 9, 13 and 21.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

It’s time to get resourceful, Pisces! There are plenty of things you need, but you’re experiencing a severe desire to save money. So, save it! Simply buy some tape, safety pens, rubber bands, flan… anything! And get to work. I’m sure you can make a minifridge with a cookie cutter or a set of shin guards out of some spatulas and gum.

Single? MacGyver yourself a date to the movies!
Attached? Settle down together on the couch for a MacGyver marathon. (It must last at least 4 hours.)
Lucky Days: September 13, 15 and 22.
Unlucky Days: September 9, 11 and 18.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

You’ve been experiencing a bit of an existential crisis recently, Aries. It’s the quarter-life slump. Maybe you’re reconsidering your religious traditions or you just learned that the brontosaurus never, ever existed. When faced with complete paradigm shifts, it might seem that there is no truth. But don’t have a panic attack. Truth exists in the friendships you’ve established. Lean on your friends, and be available when they need you.

Single? Give up on your crush.
Attached? Try that one… thing.
Lucky Days: September 14, 16 and 18.
Unlucky Days: September 20, 21, 22.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

You will stumble upon a great secret very soon, Taurus, and it could cost someone a job or even a life. In this case, knowledge really will be power. Do your best not to become corrupted, and don’t behave out of unwarranted cruelty. It’s more honorable to remain silent than to become the town gossip. If you make the wrong decision, your conscience will overwhelm you.

Single? Go commando next Tuesday.
Attached? Spend time together at a playground.
Lucky Days: September 14, 19 and 21.
Unlucky Days: September 8, 20 and 22.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

Recently, Gemini, you’ve found it difficult to distinguish between daydreams and reality. While it is acceptable and even encouraged to be a dreamer, there are times when your nonsensical whimsy deters you from being particularly functional. Keep your imagination, but make sure you can still be of use in the real world. There’s a fine line between quirkiness and a mental disorder.

Single? Buy a bus ticket to Milwaukee.
Attached? You won’t regret the matching tattoos.
Lucky Days: September 8, 9 and 16.
Unlucky Days: September 12, 17 and 19.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

You know what song is stuck in your head, Cancer? That one song by TATU (the Russian lesbians) that goes “All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head, running through my head, ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID!”
(I told you it was stuck in your head.)
The only way to rid your mind of this groovy tune is to learn to play it on the flute. Get to work.

Single? Take flute lessons.
Attached? Take flute lessons.
Lucky Days: September 16, 17 and 18.
Unlucky Days: September 9, 14 and 19.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

Your life is going to change drastically very soon, Leo, and it’s possible that you aren’t prepared. Look to the future. Accept the things that are unreachable for you, and work unrelentingly toward the things that are achievable. You deserve to excell, so do not let this life change prove to be a hinderance for you. Ration your time out appropriately, because it is more precious than you have recently been giving it credit for.

Single? Take yourself out to dinner.
Attached? Cuddle. Now!
Lucky Days: September 10, 13 and 20.
Unlucky Days: September 11, 18 and 21.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
Happy birthday, Pisces!
Despite your birthday plans, you’ve been very stressed recently. Meditation and breathing exercizes will help calm you over the next few weeks. Also, water your grandmother’s plants.
Single? Go to the park, and bring a sketchbook. Chicks dig artists.
Attached? You could really use a massage, Pisces.
Lucky Days: February 28 and March 5.
Unlucky Days: March 3, 9 and 16.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)
You will be awakened in the middle of the night by an earthquake. Unfortuantely, no one else is as perceptive to wobbly walls as you seem to be, so it might seem like you’re lying. Stay strong, Aries.
Single? Knit yourself a bathing suit for spring break, you crafty thing, you.
Attached? Take turns reading spooky stories to each other. The first one to scream has to buy dinner.
Lucky Days: February 25, March 3 and 13.
Unlucky Days: February 24, March 1 and 12.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)
Look behind you. Do you see that blonde? You were that person’s uncle in a previous life.
Single? Don’t do what you’re thinking about doing. You’ll regret it for years to come.
Attached? On February 26, Popovich Comedy Pet Theater is performing at the Cox Capital Theatre. Procure tickets IMMEDIATELY.
Lucky Days: March 2, 7 and 15.
Unlucky Days: February 25, March 9 and 14.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)
You’re feeling rebellious right now, Gemini. Beware of the police. Any time in prison is too much time in prison, especially for you. Make sure to keep your behavior under some control, or you might lose a friendship.
Single? If you don’t floss, your dentist will notice.
Attached? Make a zombie escape plan together, but keep it under wraps. When the day comes, don’t lose sight of each other.
Lucky Days: February 27, March 8 and 9.
Unlucky Days: March 6, 11 and 13.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)
You’re going to stumble upon a small fortune in the next few weeks, Cancer. The universe is smiling at you. Don’t take it for granted. Fortune is a fickle master.
Single? Step one: obtain sledgehammer. Step two: obtain your ex’s favorite CD. Step three: you know what step three is.
Attached? Go to the flea market. Share a snow cone.
Lucky Days: February 28, March 3 and 7.
Unlucky Days: February 24, March 8 and 16.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)
Don’t deny yourself your true calling, even if this means changing your major, dropping out of school, moving to Uganda or taking on an alter ego.
Single? Shave regularly and you won’t be single for much longer.
Attached? Embrace the differences between you and your partner, Leo. Try doing something your partner really enjoys that’s completely new to you. For your next date, do what you enjoy.
Lucky Days: March 4, 9 and 15.
Unlucky Days: February 25 and 26 and March 12.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)
Be aware of the symptoms of depression, Virgo. If you are experiencing these symptoms, don’t wait. CAPS is available on campus and free for students.
Single? Two words, Virgo: samba classes.
Attached? Make a gift for your significant other by hand. Don’t be too upset when he or she doesn’t bring it everywhere.
Lucky Days: February 25, March 3 and 6.
Unlucky Days: March 5, 9 and 14.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)
Whisper when you’re not at home, and speak in code on the phone. They’re on to you, Libra, and they’re listening to everything you say. They’ve already compiled an extensive file on you.
Single? Host a potluck dinner party. You better supply the mashed potatoes, because no one else makes them as well as you do.
Attached? Watch Space Jam together. Nothing says romance like cartoon rabbits and Michael Jordan.
Lucky Days: Every Friday in March, starting at 4 p.m.
Unlucky Days: February 26, March 2 and 8.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)
The woman with green shoes has information that’s incredibly valuable for you. She won’t trust you until you answer her three riddles, of course. (Hint: the answer to the first one is a shadow.)
Single? The person of your dreams works at the Verizon store. If you have T Mobile, it’s time to switch providers.
Attached? Have a cheap date at the two-dollar movie theater in Warner Robins.
Lucky Days: February 28.
Unlucky Days: March 6, 10 and 14.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)
You’re feeling wordy these days, Sagittarius. Try to write for at least 30 minutes a day for the next few weeks. If you write a novel by March 12, it will become a best-seller within a year.
Single? That guitar sitting in the corner of your room collecting dust misses you. Pick it up and teach yourself a new song right now.
Attached? Now is the time to come clean to your partner about that secret you’ve been keeping.
Lucky Days: February 24, March 1 and 11.
Unlucky Days: February 28, March 4 and 15.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)
Channel your negative energy into a safe outlet, like a voodoo doll!
Single? You will see a rainbow sometime this week.
Attached? Stop fighting, guys! If you can’t bring yourselves to get along with one another, maybe it’s time to reconsider your relationship. Attached does not always equal happy.
Lucky Days: March 2, 6 and 16.
Unlucky Days: February 26, March 9 and 13.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)
Keep your head up, Aquarius. If you’re starting to lose faith in yourself, gravitate toward your loved ones and friends.
Also, take care of your feet. Sandal weather is fast approaching, and everyone knows how much you love socks.
Single? Go to the park. Look for someone with a sketchbook. You know you dig artists.
Attached? Go to the playground together!
Lucky Days: March 5, 9 and 13.
Unlucky Days: February 25, March 12 and 16.