Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable (but award-winning) horoscopes

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Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

Happy birthday, Aries! You’ve found yourself bored and unmotivated recently. As much as you might desire a break from your mundane state, you can’t bring yourself to care enough to make it happen. The solution is easy: be dependent on someone else! If you see another person and you find yourself wondering how she is having such a great time, get clingy! Sometimes, the best escape from yourself is through the aid of someone who escapes everything.

Single? Maybe you and your muse could hook up.
Attached? Don’t bore your partner.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

Don’t be afraid to be exceptional, Taurus. Your personality sticks out in strangers’ memories. Fortify this effect by making eye contact, shaking hands strongly and speaking your mind. Going out of your way even the slightest bit to leave an impression will work out well for you. If you are especially on the top of your game on April 4, you will see rewards.

Single? Be the independent force that other singles wish they could become. Cook nice meals for yourself. Go out with friends.
Attached? If you are bored with your partner, wait it out.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

An unexpected encounter with someone from your past will leave you feeling uncertain of yourself, Gemini. Remember that it is perfectly acceptable to change your mind about anything, including people. However, it is unwise to change your opinion too readily and completely. While people can change, they can also pretend to have changed. Open your mind, but guard your trust.

Single? If this figure from your past now seems ideal romantically, take it slow.
Attached? Listen to your partner’s intuition.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

Usted necesita aprender una lengua otra, Cancer. Si quiere hablar con gente interesante de todo el mundo, no puede quedar ignorante. (Al mismo tiempo, es difícil a empezar cuando tiene 20 años.) Dudo que ha tratara utilizar una lengua nueva en sus ratos libres. En el futuro, hable y lea en una lengua que no conoce muy bien. Estará contento.

Single? Los extranjeros son muy atractivos. Cuando los extranjeros y ud. puede hablar juntos, trate ganar sus corazones.
Attached? Su novio/a querría hablar con usted en su lengua nueva.
Lucky days: Sábado.
Unlucky Days: Viernes.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

You’re planning something mischievous, Leo. While naughty little breaks from normality might be fun, be aware of who might get caught in the crossfire of your plan. Don’t harm an innocent person for shits and giggles. Be conscious of the effect that your behavior might have on others. That being said, if you can hatch out your plan sans-casualties, do it. Do it and laugh.

Single? Your desire to make a splash and break the rules will make you seem utterly sexy to someone you wouldn’t expect.
Attached? Don’t take your partner too seriously.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Your addiction to television and pop culture is becoming disruptive of your social life, Virgo. It’s time to sacrifice at least one of the shows you watch religiously. Spend the time you would be keeping up with the Kardashians (or whatever it is you kids do) talking with friends over coffee. You don’t have to live vicariously through the false lives of celebrities. You could just, you know, live.

Single? You will form a deeper connection with someone during your mandatory people time.
Attached? If the only thing your partner and you do as a couple is watch TV, your relationship needs work.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

Your family misses you, Libra. Everyone knows how very busy you are and don’t wish to impose, but occasionally you have to allot some of your precious time to your relatives. (They might say they don’t take your distance personally, but they do.) Call home right now and check up on everyone. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, your family will really appreciate that you made time for them.

Single? Look to a relative for love advice.
Attached? Tell your partner your favorite childhood memory.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

Nudity isn’t just a yes for you, Scorpio, it’s a hell yes! The entire winter you wore cumbersome clothes: coats, socks, pants. Now it’s spring, and you need to let everything air out. Ditch your threads and sport some serious sunscreen. Proceed in this manner to do everything you do throughout your day. Go to class, shop for groceries, read the new edition of The Cluster with your friends. Sweet, sweet freedom!

Single? People are naturally attracted to naked people.
Attached? Go out to eat together. Naked.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Your stress level is through the roof right now, Sagittarius. The best cure for this is kittens. Grill and chop up a chicken breast or two, wander to basically any of the residential areas downtown, and watch the feline parade congregate around you. Every time you get to pet one, give it a bit of chicken. You will be the most popular source of eats (for cats) on the block. If you find one who seems particularly loving and you just can’t leave it, take it home. Congrats! You now have a pet.

Single? You don’t need human companionship now that you have kitties.
Attached? Name the cat.
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

It’s time to start formulating your summer plans, Capricorn. Sure, it might be convenient to get a job at your hometown Kroger and save up for tuition… but wouldn’t you enjoy yourself more if you moved to Atlantic City and wrote personalized poems for drunk gamblers that they could keep for only $6? Wouldn’t it be more meaningful to land a job on a cruise ship and have a fling with one of the entertainers? There are alternatives to the practical. Consider them.

Single? Cruise ship fling!
Attached? Invite your partner to become entangled in your alternative summer.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Speak solely with sentences saturated with senseless alliteration, Aquarius. Friends and foes will find it funny, furthermore fascinating, that you focus so fearlessly on phrasing. Don’t dare describe dysfunctional derelicts with damning devices. Rather, be reticent with reproofs and reprobation, and praise the polite people who prefer to please the public than loathsomely loosen their bowels on loads of laundry.

Single? Seduce some sexy suitors.
Attached? Cute couples cuddle.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

It seems like you’ll be doing schoolwork and other burdensome obligations for the rest of your life, Pisces. And, let’s be honest, until you get a bit of an attitude and stop caring so much how you look on paper, you’re never going to be free. The next time a professor tells you to turn an assignment in on Blackboard, instead submit a crudely drawn picture of a unicorn. You won’t really look good on paper anymore, and you’ll get back some free time.

Single? People dig crudely drawn unicorns.
Attached? Now you have time for a date.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

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