Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable (but award-winning) horoscopes

Alicia Landrum

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Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

Happy birthday, Pisces! You did very little to rest up over the break. If you’re looking for ways to increase your energy, try training yourself to run on 3 hours of sleep in a given 24-hour period. Sleep from 5-8 every morning, wake up and drop some adrenochrome. You’ll be ready to face the day with violent alertness and, if you’re lucky, an acute myocardial infarction!

Single? Serenade the hotties with tasty tunes played on a harmonica. (Excess spittle optional.)
Attached? Channel that paranoia you feel at your partner.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

Something about you is just so on right now, sign. When you speak, people listen. Your eye contact assures people that you’re the right person for the job. Hell, you don’t even smell when you forget to wear deodorant. Whatever it is, you’ve got it. Make the most of it while you can, because you’ll revert to the same dear clutz you’ve always been come April.

Single? Embrace your singularity. You can woo all sorts of suitors with your overflowing suavity right now, but these people won’t make proper fit for the long-term.
Attached? Use the L word.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

All signs who have iPhones, please set your text notification to “boing.” (Send your cell phone number to features@mercercluster.com.) On March 26 at 6:34 p.m., be in the ARC. Be wearing turquoise… and moon boots, if you have them. Turn your ringer up to full blast. You are going to be part of something very important. This is your chance to make history.

Single? A new love interest will soon enter your life. Wearing turquoise. In the ARC.
Attached? Your partner might become jealous of your integral role in such a monumental point in history.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

You are facing the bleak reality of your own monetary shortcomings right now, Gemini. Times are hard for everyone, but it seems that your friends are always going out to eat or to the movies, and your wallet dictates that you stay home. Plan a cheap-but-fun night. For example, you and your friends could throw a mini-potluck party, walk to the Arts Exchange and then play on the swings at Tattnall Square Park. (The Cluster is not responsible for any arrests made for midnight swinging.)

Single? Go to any feasts to which you are invited. Hell, it’s free food.
Attached? Make gifts!
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

Something horribly embarrassing will happen to you soon, Cancer. There’s not much that you can do about it by means of prevention, but you can try to prepare yourself for disaster control. Stock up on essentials like bandages and adult diapers. Laughing at yourself softens the blow, so practice giggling when you want to cry and perfect your gymnast bow.  If the embarrassment is still too much to handle, you can always move.

Single? Stay inside to avoid embarrassment.
Attached? Stay inside to avoid embarrassment.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky days: Saturdays.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

Damn, Leo, you’re dehydrated. Have you recently been mummified? Gone on a four-month bender? Been shipwrecked? Cursed Poseidon or vomited in the fountain of youth? Either way, you’re crusty and it’s terrifying. Get some lip balm and guzzle a half-gallon of water. Maybe this way you can stop virtually coughing dust.

Single? The equinox will bring you closer to your crush… assuming you don’t wither away beforehand.
Attached? Try to spend time with your lover that induces as little sweat as possible. You have absolutely none to waste.
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

You’re afraid, Virgo. While common stressors like school, work and family keep adding to your anxiety level, the nightmares you’ve recently been having and the paranoia you’ve been experiencing are proving detrimental to your psychological wellbeing. Do not worry. Forces of evil are not out to destroy you. They’re merely out to inconvenience you. Keep a spray bottle of holy water close at hand and try breathing exercises when you begin feeling terror.

Single? Confide in a friend.
Attached? A tendency to scream yourself awake is a bit of a turnoff.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

You love to express yourself, but you always keep your creativity quiet, Libra. This is a problem, because you’ve produced something that the world needs to see. Conquer your fears and present your talent! Submit any poetry, fiction, art, sheet music, mathematical proofs, etc, to thedulcimer@gmail.com by April 1. Not only will you get your work out there, but you stand the change of having an effect on another person’s life. Don’t hide your strength.

Single? Attend any feasts to which you are invited.
Attached? Make art of your partner.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

You are brimming with useless knowledge and need an outlet, sign. Gather a group of friends and come out to Roasted Café and Lounge on Wednesday night for trivia. This is all you need to both show your intellectual prowess and have an excuse to go downtown on a school night. When you win like crazy, send all thank-you letters to features@mercercluster.com.

Single? Someone at Roasted trivia will catch your eye.
Attached? If you and your partner like a little healthy competition, bring your own sets of friends to trivia and challenge each other to a knowledge-off.
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Your uniqueness is your signature characteristic, Sagittarius. Just because you might be feeling somewhat outcast right now, do not compromise who you are and what it means to you. The outward manifestations of your incredible you-ness might seem superficial, but as your trademarks start to fade, so does your inner boldness. Do not change yourself to fit in. Everything about you is beautiful, and the people that really matter already know that.

Single? Be patient. Someone silently adores you.
Attached? If your partner doesn’t respect who you are, it’s time to ditch.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

You must feast, Capricorn! On March 20, prepare an incredible meal for your friends. Eat, drink, and be merry. Celebrate the arrival of spring, and if things get a little weird, don’t worry. Feasts are always a little weird. The most important thing is to surround yourself with the people you love and to not fear a food baby. Camaraderie is essential to a feast, but so is eating yourself into a coma. A coma of joy.

Single? Invite other singles to the feast.
Attached? Prepare your partner’s favorite dish.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

You are fast approaching a serious life change, Aquarius. Don’t assess the situation with terror; rather, see it as an opportunity to learn and to grow as an individual. You are strong. With a positive outlook, you are more than equipped to handle this situation. Even when the future seems bleak, approach it with unparalleled optimism. Change is not always bad, but your disposition determines whether it is good.

Single? Do not fear commitment. Great things can come from change.
Attached? Do not fear independence. Great things can come from change.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

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