Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable (but award-winning) horoscopes

Alicia Landrum

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Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

 

Happy birthday, Pisces! As the weather warms, you might catch yourself beginning to have more energy. Your comrades might not be able to keep up with your eagerness, but that shouldn’t deter you from exhibiting it as often as possible. It might be time to purchase a mini-trampoline or pick up a few work-out tapes to help drain some of that excess energy from you. This should, however, guarantee that you will be the star of whatever parties you attend this week.

 

Single? Meet people!

Attached? Focus some of that energy into your relationship.

Lucky Days: Wednesdays.

Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

 

You’re so lonely, Aries. Even surrounded by a group of friends, you still feel alone. You long for a real, human connection, yet for some reason that seems unachievable. The problem is, you’re aiming too high! You’ve become so preoccupied with human connections that you’ve forgotten the most rewarding friendships: those with cats. Drop by the Macon Rescue Mission and pick up a furry friend (or 9) and a few kilos of kitty litter, and you’ll be on your way to incomparable popularity!

 

Single? Inter-species love is still weird.

Attached? Get your partner a dozen lint brushes.

Lucky Days: CATURDAY!

Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

 

Spiritually, you feel lost, Taurus. Whatever faith you have followed (including a lack thereof) is leaving you feeling somehow unfulfilled. Don’t be afraid to look outside of your personal preference for guidance. Just because you are Jewish (or whatever) does not mean that you must be diametrically opposed to Sufism (or whatever). Spirituality is a personal journey.

 

Single? Don’t go to a house of worship on a fox hunt. Those motives belong in bars.

Attached? Invite your partner to join you on your religious meandering.

Lucky Days: Wednesdays.

Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

 

You’re going to catch the flu soon, Gemini. If you’ve already gotten a flu shot, it doesn’t matter. You’ll just catch a scarier flu than average. You can try washing your hands with an obsessive frequency or wearing a medical mask, but it’s already too late. You might as well drink out of water fountains and lick doorknobs to try and hasten the process a bit. Go ahead and stock up on meds, OJ and Whoopie Goldberg flicks.

 

Single? You are a veritable Petri dish of doom. (But the cashier at the pharmacy is pretty cute…)

Attached? Your lover will avoid you.

Lucky Days: Fridays.

Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

 

You’re going to build up an entire pile of regrets over Spring Break, Cancer. The good news is that you won’t remember the vast majority of these actions. Unfortunately for you, people have cameras. While you are still conscious and thinking straight, go ahead and write up a few cards of apology. (Example: So sorry I barfed on your cat. Even more sorry for not realizing bleach was not the proper method of cleaning up.)

 

Single? Get that stranger’s name. Look on Facebook when you find the ink-smeared napkin in your underpants.

Attached? Not for long.

Lucky Days: Mondays.

Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

 

Your computer is going to crash soon, Leo. Yes, this sucks. A lot. But it’s in your best interest to go ahead and backup all of your documents and photos, as well as anything else you’d like to keep. Start saving up and searching for good deals on technology, because it’s unlikely that you’ll ever be able to revive your computer. Basically, you’ll be left with a fancy paperweight. Once it’s dead, feel free to make art out of it. A computer screen really would make an innovative canvas.

 

Single? Don’t yell at IT. One of them might be your future lover.

Attached? Borrow your partner’s laptop once yours croaks.

Lucky Days: Wednesdays.

Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

 

You are soon going to say some things that will piss off a lot of people, Virgo. Think before you speak. If you still consider your ideas valid and feel as though they absolutely need to be spoken, say it. To hell with the opposition! That being said, do be aware of your own motives. If you are only spouting these controversial concepts in order to stir up the emotions of others, you are impure and your point is muddled. And you’re an ass.

 

Single? Your radical statements might scare a suitor.

Attached? If your partnerthinks your scathing words are an exaggeration, listen.

Lucky Days: Saturdays.

Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

 

Wanderlust much, Libra? Trust me, no one’s blaming you. Try applying for some study abroad options for the upcoming summer. Or just save up enough for a plane ticket and a hostel-tour of, well, anywhere you want. If foreign countries pose too much of a challenge, utilize Spring Break and make an escape! Even a few nights camping at High Falls is better than feeling trapped. (Besides, I hear there are otters at High Falls. If you find any, please take photos and send them to me.)

 

Single? Invite a small group of friends to travel with you.

Attached? Your partner would enjoy seeing Costa Rica, too.

Lucky Days: Saturdays.

Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

 

You will see an old acquaintance in a public place soon, Scorpio. Whether or not the two of you speak to (or even acknowledge) one another is irrelevant, because the mere sight of this person will stir up emotions and memories that you didn’t even know you possessed. Later, try to figure out what made you feel this way. You’ll likely discover something new about yourself.

 

Single? Don’t be afraid to talk to strangers.

Attached? You might not want to immediately tell your partner about your blast from the past, and that’s okay.

Lucky Days: Mondays.

Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

 

CALM THE HELL DOWN, SAGITTARIUS! Why are you panicking? This is only life, and by having a mental breakdown you are giving it the upper hand. You can’t allow that. Let your conditions know that YOU are the boss, and that you refuse to hyperventilate in the face of reality/ (a paper lunch sack) ever again. Take  a personal day. Go to the park. Sit on a bench. Meditate. You are going to be fine.

 

Single? Don’t become attracted to someone because you hope that he or she can save you.

Attached? Your partner should not be the main source of your stress.

Lucky Days: Wednesdays.

Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

 

Where you come from does not have to dictate what you become, Capricorn. Don’t feel ashamed of your past or embarrassed of your roots. All of your experiences have combined to create the person that you are today, and you choose where you will be tomorrow. Be thankful for your existence and be grateful for those who have enabled you to come this far.

 

Single? Before starting  a relationship, make sure that you first establish a foundation of truth.

Attached? Share a childhood memory with your partner.

Lucky Days: Sundays.

Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

 

As Spring Break approaches, your give-a-damn decreases, Aquarius. Unfortunately for you, these pre-midterm weeks have time and again proved to be some of the toughest that a semester has to offer. Either sta
rt working on that insurmountable collection of homework gathering dust on your desk… or give in. Drop trou, pour yourself a nice big bowl of Coco Pebbles, and sit down to a Jersey Shore marathon. Who cares?

 

Single? Don’t worry, poor hygiene is sexy.

Attached? Don’t let your partner’s habitual over-achievement weigh down on you.

Lucky Days: Thursdays.

Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

 

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