Dear reader, I find myself ensnared in yet another deadline. My father told me that Death was the only deadline. I tried to contend with him. He responded, “Well, you’ll be dead, and that’ll be the line.” Hard to argue with that. I could say that this fatalism inspired me in ways I am just beginning to understand. But, that is way too dark for anything I’d publish for this column. I suppose the only way to escape this impasse is to bring forth the antithesis to all things wrong in the word, the Puppy Bowl. Puppy Bowl VIII achieved everything an hour long stream of a cornucopia of canine cuteness. The cup was not without controversy. There is dispute surrounding the title of MVP (Most Valuable Puppy), which was awarded to Fumble, a four pound mix of indeterminate breeds. Fumble scored two touchdowns, a procedure so precious in nature that this columnist must take pause to contend with the endorphine overload inspired by this cute-ocaust. Aberdeen, an Australian Shepherd scored four consecutive touchdowns in the fourth quarter. Animal Planet has awarded Aberdeen a sort of “people’s champion” recognition on the Puppy Bowl website, which I assure you is filled with hours of footage that make you forget about any Godot-inspired existentialist meltdown you might be having. Apparently there are teams. I am inspired as an individual that an assuredly huge sum of money was poured into filming and airing this broadcast, which looked like it was more or less pieced together by interns that afternoon. This does not detract from the appeal of the show.
I can tell you that my new dream job is Puppy Bowl referee. A handful of Claritin’s effect on my kidneys will surely be justified by such an incredible day. It’s these foolish distractions, like the Puppy Bowl, the Super Bowl and whatever else we pour our “disposable” income into to escape. We’d surely go insane without these diversions.
There is something cleansing about the Puppy Bowl, a sort of existential rebirth of seeing new life in its most timid and playful form. At the Puppy Bowl religious divides don’t matter and national boundaries fade away. Anyone with any sort of heart can’t look at a Welsh Corgi crash into a baby Basset tumbling into a cardboard endzone and have a bad day. My suggestion: a weekly league sponsored by the Humane Society to showcase puppies up for adoption. It would reduce strays, and de-stress a tense country. Once a year is simply not enough.
@meepthebird was live tweeting all night. I didn’t watch Madonna’a half-time show, but I assure you that the Kitty Halftime Show would have been my pick any day of the week. The entire event is on Animal Planet’s website, but I am not sure how long the content with stay live. In closing, I’d like to remind you all that you are the universe experiencing itself. The fact that you exist at all is incredible beyond anything you’ll ever imagine. It’s easy to get in the dumps; it’s easy to lose sight of the good in the world. But, the answer is real. The answer is Puppy Bowl.