Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Alicia Landrum

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Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

 

Happy birthday, Aquarius! You’re feeling particularly moody these days, despite your birthday festivities. Make certain not to take out your excess aggression on your loved ones, and especially don’t take it out on the road. (All of the boulevard-critters will thank you.) If you absolutely need an outlet for your emotions, steal off to the woods by yourself and commune with nature. Alternatively, any marathon that comes on TLC will work.

 

Single? No, you’re not in love with that person you just met. (Yet.)

Attached? Your partner should be accustomed to the ebbs and flows of your emotions.

Lucky Days: Thursdays.

Unlucky Days: Wednesdays.

 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

 

You’ve got a lot to be proud of right now, Pisces. No one could blame you if your ego becomes inflated. That being said, they might become annoyed with you. Nothing reminds a person of his or her failures quite so well as people who can’t talk about anything but their own successes. You have every right to consider yourself the bomb-diggity (that’s still everyday vernacular, yeah?), just be aware of the effect that you have on others.

 

Single? A sneaky hint regarding your awesomeness will help you score.

Attached? Too much focus on your awesomeness will result in a breakup.

Lucky Days: Wednesdays.

Unlucky Days: Sundays.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

 

You will soon find yourself disappointed by a role model, Aries. This sort of thing can be a bit paradigm-crushing, but it can also be beneficial. Only once your idols have fallen from the pedestal you kept them on can you see their flaws and truly comprehend their humanity. Don’t think of yourself ignorant in any way. Everyone invests faith in something, and the universe has a lust for destruction of dreams. (We all liked Fergie once.) Your mentor hasn’t changed; you’ve grown.

 

Single? Be bold.

Attached? Challenge your partner.

Lucky Days: Thursdays.

Unlucky Days: Mondays.

 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

 

The future is a horrible, reeking, hulking force lurking above your nightmares and taking peeps at your cleavage, Taurus. If you don’t prepare properly, it will swallow you, remove the pit that is your soul and eventually crap out a mere portion of the person you once were. You’ll be looking back on these days nostalgically thinking, What happened? Don’t allow this to happen! The career fair is 2/15 in the UC. Go ahead and make a battle plan. (Alternatively, invest in an RV and become a nomad.)

 

Single? That simplifies things.

Attached? Marriage isn’t a well-rounded life plan.

Lucky Days: Saturdays.

Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

 

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

 

You aren’t feeling particularly original right now, Gemini, and that’s completely okay. You can get by and even seem witty if you simply rely on song lyrics as your main form of communication. And you can tell everybody this is your song. (Oh hot damn, this is my jam.) Lean a little bit closer, see that roses really smell like boo boo. Who let the dogs out? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

 

Single? Repeat: “I’m sexy and I know it.”

Attached? You and me, baby, ain’t nothing but mammals.

Lucky Days: Tuesdays.

Unlucky Days: Mondays.

 

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

 

You long for a drastic change, Cancer. You want to relocate, to redefine yourself, to revolutionize normalcy. You feel a profound transformation occurring within you, and you want it to manifest in an incredibly public and influential manner. Start small. Shave your head. Glue the remnants to your eyelids. Sleep in your roommate’s bed. Demand to be addressed only as “Your Excellency Count Flagellum, Esquire.”

 

Single? Pick a friend. That’s your partner.

Attached? Shave your partner’s head.

Lucky Days: Mondays.

Unlucky Days: Wednesdays.

 

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

 

You are facing a very serious moment in your life, Leo. Do not stress yourself out, but do make it a point to take into consideration the possible outcomes of each of your options. Every action comes with consequences. Some consequences are awesome, and some are horrific. (Ever summoned Bloody Mary? No? That’s because if you did she would muder you. To death. That’s a consequence.)

 

Single? If you are interested in pursuing a new mate, be mindful of emotional chemistry as well as physical.

Attached? If a discussion is in order, initiate it.

Lucky Days: Sundays.

Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

 

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

 

An incredible opportunity involving a future career will present itself to you within the next few weeks, Virgo. Prepare for it by remaining (as often as possible) on your most professional behavior. Eye contact and strong handshakes should be your best friends right now, because the better first impression you make, the more likely that this possibility will be realized. Socializing is encouraged, but by no means should you become intoxicated in public until at least the end of the month.

 

Single? Don’t swoon. Charm.

Attached? Avoid obscene public displays of affection.

Lucky Days: Wednesdays.

Unlucky Days: Sundays.

 

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

 

You should use your supreme organizational skills for good, Libra. There has been a reprehensible lack of flash mob dances on Mercer’s campus. You must amend this. You are the chosen one! If you don’t possess particular choreographing skills, use your systematic method of thinking to locate and contact a dancer.

Seriously, Libra. Please arrange a flash mob dance. You will be rewarded in the grooviest of afterlives.

 

Single? The endorphins you work up with that dance will be reminiscent of sex!

Attached? Read above!

Lucky Days: Fridays.

Unlucky Days: Wednesdays.

 

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

 

A dispute between your close friends is imminent, Scorpio. Be prepared to play mediator. It is imperative that you do not pick sides. Even if it appears that one friend is being irrational, try to treat them fairly. There are issues at play that lie beneath the surface, both in the relationship between the feuding friends and personally with each. Try to remind each party how important the communal friendship is to you.

 

Single? Ask that cutie in your Monday class to meet up with you for coffee.

Attached? If your partner is involved with the dispute, avoid rose-colored glasses.

Lucky Days: Saturdays.

Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

 

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

 

You have an incredible eye for design, Sagittarius. You should make the most of your skills over the next few weeks. Make clothes for your friends out of scraps of fabric (or bags of horse food, old copies of The Cluster, whatever) and demand that they wear  them as they perform a play for you. They will submit to your will, of course, because you will also design an escape-proof friend cell, and they’ll stay there until they act.

 

Single? Make yourself a crown. Everyone loves royalty.

Attached? It couldn’t hurt to make your partner new shoes.

Lucky Days: Tuesdays.

Unlucky Days: Sundays.

 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

 

You like it classy, Capricorn, with your feet in flip-flops and your wine from a box. Try not to make people uncomfortable with your superior tastes. When people are faced with individuals of exceptional breeding– the kind that eats their beanie-weenies with a fork– they become intimidated. Consider your uncultured companions. If the restaurant choice is up to you, don’t pick an over-the-top classy establishment (such as Sonic). Instead, leave the decision to a democratic vote.

 

Single? Winking is creepy.

Attached? Don’t make your mate feel inferior.

Lucky Days: Mondays.

Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

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