Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

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Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

Happy birthday, Capricorn! You want to celebrate, as do your friends. They might, however, have qualms about your celebration means. Make sure to plan festivities that will be affordable for your comrades, and be willing to pool together enough money to cover those who cannot otherwise afford to participate. If you tend to get crazy, plan a separate, calmer party for the amigos you have who might be offended by gratuitous nudity/consumption.

Single? Invite your crush to your gratuitous nudity fiesta.
Attached? Your partner wants to plan a surprise. Act surprised, even if you’re not.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

You are brimming with creativity, Aquarius! Of course, you can always fall back on the creative go-tos of writing, art or music. But you can do something better than that. Create an alter ego. Go somewhere new and tell lies, so many lies that you have a hard time keeping them straight. If anyone asks you a question, go with it. “Yeah, I raised cattle in Argentina. Well, really I just massaged the cattle. This was after donkey-punching Mussolini and  before hand-stitching this dress, of course.”

Single? The best friendships are built on pillars of lies.
Attached? Only tell the truth to your lover.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

You’re far too tense, Pisces. Better calm down before you lapse into hysteria. (Although, did you know that hysteria, so dubbed for its perceived relation to the womb, was once treated by a doctor administering a “pelvic massage”– manual stimulation of the genitals until the “hysterical” individual reached sexual climax? The ultimate chill-pill: the orgasm. Something to think about. Interpret it as you will.)

Single? Pick up a romance novel.
Attached? Hysteria doctors are obsolete, don’t you think?
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

Your health issues are disconcerting, Aries. If you’ve noticed some serious changed in your ability to function– maybe breathing issues, mysterious pains, vision problems or an uncommon level of exhaustion– do the smart thing. Call up a doctor. This is your health. You only get one body, so when it doesn’t function properly, don’t ignore the signs. If something is wrong, it’s best to find out now rather than waiting until it is possibly too late to recover.

Single? Go out to lunch. Alone. Learn yourself.
Attached? Your partner really does want the best for you.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

You’re feeling particularly suave these days, Taurus. Optimize your current, smooth-talking condition, because once Saturn moves out of your fourth house you’ll lose it. Sign up for any presentations or interviews (over which you have agency) within the next two weeks. Don’t be afraid to take charge in a group: you’re just the person for the job right now. That being said, make sure you have substance to back what you say. Even the sharpest tongue can’t deny the smell of bullshit.

Single? Flirt.
Attached? Surprise your partner with creative compliments.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

You’re a good person, Gemini. And, since you’re reading your horoscope in this paper, you’ve probably already looked at the facing page, wherein you can see that it is National Mentoring Month. The characteristics of your sign, diligent, intelligent and quirky, make you the perfect candidate to be a mentor. Call up the Mentors Project and apply. It’s never too late to become relevant in a youth’s life.

Single? Pamper yourself a little.
Attached? Cook dinner together. If you have any leftovers, pack them up and give them to a homeless person.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

You’ve got too much free time, Cancer, and it’s causing you to feel useless. You’re not useless, you’re just not particularly useful right now. Pick up a hobby. Something physical, like running or dancing, will pull you out of your ennui and make you feel great. Something artistic, however, might prove to be more gratifying. Nothing feels better than your first time playing “Smoke on the Water.”

Single? Passion for your hobby is a sexy trait.
Attached? You could pick up a hobby together, if you so desire.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

Don’t take your loved ones for granted, Leo. Even if they have a strange way of showing it, they care about you. You should show that you care for these people, too. Go out of your way to let some of the most important people know how much they mean to you. Beyond that, seriously contemplate the role that each of these people plays in your life. You never know what day might be your last; make every moment with your loved ones count.

Single? You’ll start to see an old friend in a new light.
Attached? Make eye contact. Hold hands. Love each other.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Stop with the self-deprecation and low self esteem, Virgo. Whether or not you are willing to open your eyes and realize it, you’re hot shit. Anybody would be lucky to talk to you. Beyond that, most people simply are not worthy. You’re attractive, you’re brilliant, and you’re talented in multiple fields. If your horrible perception of yourself is caused by someone else, it’s time to kick this person to the curb. Otherwise, you need to adopt some faith in yourself.

Single? You’re too good for your crush.
Attached? Your partner should make you feel good.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

You’ve been having intense dreams recently, Libra. Whether your unconscious world is pleasant, or even if it’s filled with nightmarish ghouls, you need to make an active attempt to remember your dreams. They of course contain secrets as to your current mental and emotional state, but, because Jupiter has entered your house of dreams, they might hold clues to the future. Begin and adamantly use a dream journal to keep track of your prophetic experiences.

Single? Has a certain person appeared repeatedly in your dreams?
Attached? Tell your lover about your dreams.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

You’ll be spending the next few weeks with your nose buried pretty deep in the books, Scorpio. Try not to agitate your asthma with all of the dust that you’re going to kick up in the library. Try planning out exactly what your goals are for each day of the next few weeks. This will make your seemingly-insurmountable to-do list suddenly seem manageable. Make sure to factor in some mandatory fun time, or you’ll explode. (Really, explode.)

Single? Romance is for squares.
Attached? Ergo, you are square.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

You’ve got a lot of phobias that your friends and family have always considered to be a little ridiculous, Sagitarius. Don’t give in to their scoffing. You ARE in danger every time you make a left turn. Yes, falls from five feet CAN prove fatal. Opossums DO have poisonous saliva and live in your walls, and there are spiders in literally EVERY pair of shoes you own. Keep your quirks to keep your life.

Single? It’s going to have to stay that way, because strangers ALWAYS conceal battleaxes.
Attached? When the anxiety is overwhelming, send your partner out for supplies.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

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