Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Alicia Landrum

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Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

Happy birthday, Scorpio! You seem overwhelmed by curiosity recently. Whatever you’re accustomed to seems boring right now, and you thirst for the unknown. Embrace your desires! Take a spontaneous road trip to somewhere unfamiliar, or, better yet, seek out and join a monastery. Nothing’s better to quench your need for knowledge than severe introspection, silence and chastity.

Single? If someone that you don’t know very well has caught your fancy, pursue romance!
Attached? If there’s something you’ve been dying to ask your partner, ask it already.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

I don’t mean to frighten you, Sagittarius, but your life is in grave danger. You’ve misunderstood the proper processes that people must undertake in order to avoid bear attacks. (Serious, life-threatening, limb-gnawing bears. None of this Toby crap.) DO NOT go for any picnics this month. Certainly camping is off limits. Forget about any interest you might have in carrying honey through the forest. This is your life. And bears want to take it. Do the right thing.

Single? You won’t find anyone worth courting in a cave. Pinky swear.
Attached? Have you made certain your lover isn’t a werebear?
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

Stop invading people’s personal space, Capricorn. It’s as annoying as it is inappropriate. Learn to keep your hands to yourself, because, to be honest, most people are not huggers. Beyond this, no one likes to be tickled; the ribs are a very personal region and they do not exist for your roaming, squirming fingers. Shame on you, Capricorn. Shame on you.

Single? You attract more flies with tactfulness than you do with sexual harassment. (I think that’s the saying.)
Attached? Okay, apparently some people are huggers.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Listlessness seems to define the current state of your life, Aquarius. You’re exhausted and overwhelmed, and what’s worse, you don’t have time to get yourself back on track. If you’re feeling particularly uninspired, try picking up a potent vial of catnip. As you race through the cosmos, eyelids inside out and devoid of object permanence, you’re likely to rediscover yourself.

Single? You lack the energy to seek out a mate right now, which is fine. Focus on yourself.
Attached? Get out of your pajamas and go on a date with your partner. You’d be surprised how much better a loved one can make you feel.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

Whoa, Pisces. You’re currently faced with a life-altering decision. Whatever your particular situation might be, make sure to fairly weigh all of the options that are available to you before settling on a conclusion. Be thorough but speedy; time is of the essence when your fate dangles in the (un)balance of such a decision. Meditate on the good and bad of each side of the proverbial coin. Nothing in this world is unilateral. As you well know, the decision isn’t easy.

Single? Reward your decision-making with a cup of tea with friends.
Attached? Be open to the opinions of your partner.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

Your family is really starting to take a toll on your mental health, Aries. Every family becomes stressful at times, but once your life begins to suffer as a direct result of their lack of functionality, don’t be afraid to remove yourself, ever so politely, from their reign. You are an adult, and though your brief estrangement might upset your relatives, the overall effect that the removal of stressors will have on you is well worth it.

Single? Capitalize on the strength of your surrogate family: your friends.
Attached? Your partner understands the stress you’re feeling.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

You spend too much time on the computer, Taurus. Unplug yourself for at least four (sunlit) hours a day and use the time as an opportunity to take a walk, to enjoy a cup of coffee with friends, to commune with nature. If you allow technology to control your existence, you’re entering into virtual reality. (And the only reason anyone should exist in virtual reality is if he or she recently purchased an appropriate helmet.)

Single? Get off Facebook.
Attached? Your lover will appreciate an opportunity to spend time together sans technological distractions.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

Don’t be so worried what other people think of you, Gemini. Occasionally, you have to refuse to be what your cohorts expect you to be and be true to yourself. Yes, people notice when you’ve gone out of your way to look good, but do not bury yourself under appearances. Very few people will take note if you’re less than perfect, but no one can trust you if you aren’t sincere.

Single? Whatever love interests spawn from a false conception of you are false.
Attached? If your partner does not know who you truly are, there is no genuine trust in your relationship.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

You’re containing a secret and it’s driving you mad, Cancer. Whether it’s something as trivial as a friend’s surprise birthday party or as important as the knowledge of an acquaintance’s infidelity, make sure to know your place. Only if the secret directly involves you, or withholding the information will cause harm to others, should you feel at liberty to share it.

Single? Send someone flowers anonymously.
Attached? If the secret involves your partner, prioritize. Do you wish to continue the relationship, and, if so, do you want to establish a bond of trust?
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

You’re living with immense guilt, Leo. Reevaluate the situation, and you’ll find that, while you might have played a role in whatever it is that is gnawing at your conscience, it is not your fault alone. This is not to say that it is appropriate to place the blame on others, but you do need to recognize that you are not superhuman. If, even after assessing the situation, you find yourself to be the greatest culprit, it is your duty to apologize to anyone you might have hurt.

Single? Go dancing.
Attached? Just apologize already.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Yes, Virgo, it is getting hot in here. Yes, you can take off all your clothes. A nudity first policy is completely permissible, and if you find that your roommates have an issue with it, simply invest in a nice towel to properly cover all your scandalous bits. Make sure to welcome your companions to join you in sweet, nude bliss. (Although, mind the weather. You’ll catch your death of cold.)

Single? Ain’t no party like a naked party!
Attached? If your partner has a problem with your nudity, it’s time to call it quits.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

It’s time to give back to the community, Libra. Do this by helping out the Macon Rescue Mission. There are plenty of critters out there just waiting for a good home, and who better to provide one for them than you? (Of course, if you live on campus, you’ll need to immediately send the creature to boarding school at the home of a friend or relative that you frequent. That, or pose Friskers as a Venus fly trap every time the RA comes around.)

Single? Nothing attracts the hotties like a bitty beagle!
Attached? Nothing enriches a relationship like communal puppy loving!
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.

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