Plan your life around Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

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Virgo:

It’s time to  gather new life experiences, Virgo. If you’re looking for some new clothes, skip Target and Old Navy. Instead, give some of the shops featured on page 11 a try. Opt for red wine instead of beer next time you go out. Go to a yoga class instead of weight training. If you’re vegan, eat a whole lamb.

Single? Spend some time in the library. Scholarly hotties hang out in the stacks.
Attached? Surprise your partner at work with a homemade lunch.
Lucky Days: September 25, 29 and October 6.
Unlucky Days: September 23, 30 and October 4.

Libra:

As classes become gradually more and  more unbearable, Libra, give yourself a chance to rest. Skip your earliest class, and spend the entire hour (at least) reading smutty romance novels or comic books in a lavender-scented bubble bath. Afterwards, refuse to think about whatever test or paper that has you the most stressed out until you’ve eaten a real meal.

Single? Allow yourself some non-committal flirting.
Attached? Demand a back  and foot rub.
Lucky Days: September 26, 29 and October 3.
Unlucky Days: September 23, 30 and October 5.

Scorpio:

Yes, Scorpio, you do need to go get that… ummm… thing… checked out by a medical professional. Immediately. You should have already rushed to the hospital days ago. Also, don’t let anyone touch it without a glove. A couple of gloves.
You have to take better care of yourself from now on, Scorpio. You only get one body, and if you don’t properly protect it, it will perish.

Single? Seriously, Scorpio, go to the doctor.
Attached? GO TO THE DOCTOR!
Lucky Days: September 28, October 1 and 5.
Unlucky Days: September 22, 26 and 29.

Sagittarius:

Your calls are being monitored by the United States government, Sagittarius. You need to ditch your cell phone, pronto. Register for a completely new number (preferably with a different area code) and a name change. Since facial recognition technology is so advanced, it couldn’t hurt to get lip implants or to bleach (or seriously tan) your skin.

Single? It will make it easier to skip town if necessary.
Attached? Make sure your lover isn’t involved in the plot against you.
Lucky Days: September 22, 23 and October 5.
Unlucky Days: September 25, 30 and October 3.

Capricorn:

Damn, Capricorn, you look good! Have you been working out?
Whether or not you’ve been hanging out in the gym, it’s time to show yourself off. Be confident with your physique. Wear clothes that show off your form, and make certain to smile. You smell of sex (in the least nasty way possible) and candy. Rock it!

Single? All the better to be sexy.
Attached?  Your partner is aware how lucky he or she is. Are you?
Lucky Days: September 24, 27 and October 4.
Unlucky Days: September  30, October 1 and 6.

Aquarius:

It’s time to purge, Aquarius. You’re surrounded by too much junk: your space is too cluttered, you have too  many acquaintances that are detrimental to your well-being and you have too many things to do. Your stress level won’t decrease until the amount of crap in your life decreases. Make lists to weigh what is necessary and what is not. Everything that isn’t important goes to the dump. (The friends too.)

Single? Prioritize appropriately.
Attached? Don’t let your partner add to your stress.
Lucky Days: September 24, 28 and October 3.
Unlucky Days: September 29, October 2 and 4.

Pisces:

No fast food for you, Pisces. No frozen meals, no canned vegetables. From this point forth,  you are only permitted to eat what you catch, shoot, or grow. If you live on campus, this is going to prove particularly difficult for you.
Oh well! It’s time to become self-sufficient. Once you’ve mastered feeding yourself, make your own shoes, underwear and lambskin condoms.

Single? Become a secret admirer.
Attached? Farm together.
Lucky Days: September 25, 29 and October 2.
Unlucky Days: September 24, 28 and October 3.

Aries:

Shut off the TV and read a freaking book, Aries. You’re starting to sound uneducated and annoying. From this moment forward, don’t ever, EVER, reference Jersey Shore or Kate Plus Eight in public again. Those who are frequently around you are likely to flog you if you exhibit any more of your oral flatulence. Those who are rarely around you are likely to cheer your floggers.

Single? Stop pretending you don’t like that one person.
Attached? Be exceptionally sweet to your lover.
Lucky Days: September 29, 30 and October 1.
Unlucky Days: September 24, 26 and October 6.

Taurus:

Someone will come into your life soon who will change it forever and for the better, Taurus. Be open to new people and new experiences, because only through open-mindedness can  you become acquainted with this life-altering person.
This person will have dark hair and slightly crooked teeth, which he or she will show proudly when he or she smiles. Form a friendship.

Single? Perhaps the person you will soon meet will change that.
Attached? Go to Johnny G’s.
Lucky Days: September 22, 26 and October 4.
Unlucky Days: September 24, 30 and October 1.

Gemini:

Crowded rooms and highly interpersonal experiences have been making you particularly terrified recently, Gemini. You need to conquer your social phobia gradually. Start by reading in a secluded coffee shop or somewhere where people are unlikely to confront you. Once you have become comfortable in minimally social situations, go to a restaurant or park. Work your way up to a club. You’ll get your gregariousness back soon enough.

Single? Try to be sociable.
Attached? Find comfort in your partner.
Lucky Days: September 23, 24 and 25.
Unlucky Days: September 27, October 4 and 5.

Cancer:

You are feeling betrayed right now, Cancer. Maybe a family member has been distant, a friend has been spreading a rumor or a lover has been speaking to an ex. It is acceptable to engage the source of  your stress in a dialogue about the behaviors that have you upset. The people who are closest to you can sometimes be completely unaware of the emotional toll they can take on you.

Single? You need alone time.
Attached? Be patient.
Lucky Days: September 26, October 2 and 5.
Unlucky Days: September 27, 28 and October 6.

Leo:

Well, Leo, you’ve got several people frothingly jealous of you right now. (We call that sucess!) Whatever you’ve been doing recently, you’ve been doing it right. Don’t be afraid to outshine not only the competition, but also your comrades. You’re skilled at rubbing people’s proverbial faces in everything you do. I say, embrace your strengths! Let them be jealous while you kick ass.

Single? Other people’s partners don’t trust you.
Attached? Your partner trusts you too much.
Lucky Days: September 23, 25 and October 4.
Unlucky Days: September 29, October 5 and 6.

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