Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

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(divined) by Alicia Landrum

 

 

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

You’re keeping a secret, Leo, and it’s driving you crazy. Of course you want to get things off your chest, but before you come clean to the whole world, test drive your confession to a close friend. Chances are, if he or she doesn’t take the news well, you need to come up with a better way to break it to everyone else.

Single? Get a new haircut and treat yourself to a high-calorie dessert.
Attached? Begin planning a romantic weekend getaway together.
Lucky Days: August 20, 29 and September 3.
Unlucky Days: August 22, 26 and September 7.

 

 

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

You had a bit of a wild summer, Virgo. Congratulations! Unfortunately, the sweet, delectable moments of summery freedom are gone for another several months, and you’re going to be left with an insatiable hunger for shenanigans that can’t be properly quelled in an educational setting. Your only options are either to run away and join a (preferably nudist) carnival, or to silence the fun-craving part of yourself and read for your morning classes.

Single? Form a study group.
Attached? Start a tradition.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: August 22, 26 and September 3.

 

 

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

A friend has been seriously disappointing you recently, Libra, and you’re having difficulties determining what rights you have to attempt to alter your stray amigo’s behavior. It’s important to remember that if you really care about this person, he or she needs to be made aware of any unfortunate personality changes, but water boarding was made illegal in 2009.

Single? Go swimming while you still can.
Attached? Make your lover a mask of bologna.
Lucky Days: August 27, 30 and September 4.
Unlucky Days: August 19, 20 and 21.

 

 

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

You’re going to develop a new, potentially life-threatening allergy soon, Scorpio. Visit your general care physician to get an EpiPen®, and stay away from all the usual suspects, such as peanuts, coconuts, wasps, and redheads. One particularly safe option is to invest in a nice, human-sized plastic bubble in which you can happily spend the rest of your life.

Single? Read in a coffee shop.
Attached? Start calling your honeybunny, your sugarflipper, your dazzlerump, a new pet name.
Lucky Days: August 27, September 1 and 5.
Unlucky Days: August 20, 30 and September 7.

 

 

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Don’t listen to what the RAs say, Sagittarius. You can totally paint your dorm room whatever color you want. And yes, your western wall would look lovely in Aruba Blue.

Single? One of your close friends has been contemplating making a move but does not know where to begin. Look for signs of romantic interest and, if you’re not repulsed, flirt a little.
Attached? Your partner can help you paint that pesky dorm room!
Lucky Days: August 18, 30 and September 7.
Unlucky Days: August 25, 31 and September 5.

 

 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

You live in a region with ample, clean water, Capricorn. You have no excuse to be as dehydrated as you currently are. Dehydration can cause severe headaches, stomach upset, extraneous bloating, and, worst of all, thirst! The amount of sodas and (ahem) other carbonated beverages that you have recently ingested are counter-productive. Get thee to a water fountain!

Single? Wash your sheets. Trust me.
Attached? Play tennis (or basketball or anything) together.
Lucky Days: August 19, 20 and September 2.
Unlucky Days: August 28, September 4 and 6.

 

 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Your societal situation has been noticeably lacking recently, Aquarius.  Don’t feel too bad; social stagnation is an issue that affects thousands of young, handsome people daily. It’s time to join a rock band. Can’t play an instrument? Try the tambourine. If music’s just not for you, try something else, such as joining an intramural sports team, or selling (over the counter) drugs.

Single? Check out the Macon bowling alley.
Attached? Surprise your partner with a romantic dinner.
Lucky Days: August 23, 24 and 25.
Unlucky Days: August 28, September 2 and 6.

 

 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

Having money issues, Pisces? It’s time to either cut back on spending or get a job (or a second job).  Try to weed out all unnecessary purchases, and when you’re looking for some form of entertainment, jump on the coupon train. Also, mercer.edu/studentemployment has a list of all available on-campus (and a few off-campus) jobs.

Single? Come to the next Cluster meeting.
Attached? Jealous? You’re not being irrational. It might be time for The Talk.
Lucky Days: September 1, 3 and 5.
Unlucky Days: August 27, 31 and September 4.

 

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

Your issues with your body image have gotten out of control, Aries. You deserve to give yourself a break from all the self-induced stress. There is nothing wrong with the way that you look. Drink some chamomile tea and meditate for at least thirty minutes a day. This will help you calm down a bit. What makes you attractive is how comfortable you are in your skin, not whether or not you have a pimple.

Single? Wear those pants you always feel sexy in.
Attached? Demand a foot rub.
Lucky Days: August 21, 22 and September 4.
Unlucky Days: August 19, 30 and September 1.

 

 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

Don’t brush off your dreams, Taurus. They might prove to be incredibly significant over the next few weeks, as the moon seems to be having a serious effect on your unconscious mind. Have you been having recurring themes in your dreams recently? Has someone started appearing in them that you haven’t thought of for weeks? Perhaps it is time to contact this person—he or she may be in need of your help.

Single? Who have you been dreaming about?
Attached? Slow dance.
Lucky Days: August 23, 37 and September 7.
Unlucky Days: August 26, September 4 and 5.

 

 

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

You’re going to get very sick very soon, Gemini. It is in everyone’s best interests for you to begin wearing a surgical mask when in public or in the company of, well, anybody—particularly the elderly and the ill. Once you begin suffering from symptoms, do not go to class, work or anywhere that you can survive if you miss. The wellbeing of the rest of the campus is in your hands. (Speaking of hands, go wash yours.)

Single? Good. You’ll infect less people.
Attached? Facebook chat.
Lucky Days: September 3, 4 and 5.
Unlucky Days: August 18, 29 and September 2.

 

 

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

Times are looking up for you, Cancer. You’ve been hit with a streak of bad luck recently, but an astral shift is destined to turn your luck around soon. You will soon see an improvement in your love life, and an employment offer is on the horizon for you. (Just make sure to act quickly. If you wait too long, Fate might choose to frown on you once more.)

Single? Now’s your chance! Go for that cutie.
Attached? Your partner is worried (s)he has been moved down your priority list. Prove this isn’t true.
Lucky Days: August 30, September 6 and 7.
Unlucky Days: August 24, 25 and 29.

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