Alicia's Unreliable Horoscopes

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(divined) by Alicia Landrum

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

Happy birthday, Aries!

You’ve been kept incredibly busy recently by work and school. You need to set aside no less than 13 hours (skip class if you have to) to actually have some fun. Loco’s on Riverside gives out free birthday shots. Perhaps you should start there.

Single? Put your thing down, flip it and reverse it.

Attached? Find another couple with whom to go on a double date. (Don’t worry, you guys are cuter.)

Lucky Days: March 31, April 2 and 13.

Unlucky Days: April 5, 9 and 12.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

Taurus, you are very close to a mental breakdown. You deperately need a hobby to keep yourself entertained. Either get a yo-yo or a motorcycle. Today. These are your only options.

Single? Get together with some friends and have a Battleship tournament. The winner has to make muffins.

Attached? Don’t be so jealous. It makes your partner feel untrusted and disrespected.

Lucky Days: April 3, 5 and 7.

Unlucky Days: April 2, 9  and 10.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

You need to begin making your summer plans today, Gemini, or you’re going to spend another summer watching reruns of the Addam’s Family and eating too many Hot Pockets. For less than $100, you can get a passport within two months.

Single? You’ll meet someone soon that you think is absolutely beautiful. Go get ‘em, Gemini.

Attached? Get one of those fuzzy, dimensional posters and color it together.

Lucky Days: April 4, 7 and 12.

Unlucky Days: April 1, 6 and 10.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

People are judging you unfairly, Cancer. Either blatantly ignore them, find a way to make them repent their unfair actions, or channel Charlie Sheen. (Meaning, cure their problems with your mind. They’re trolls; you’re winning!)

Single? You’ll dream of an attractive stranger this week. You two will meet next month. (Winning!)

Attached? Make a card for your partner. It will be appreicated.

Lucky Days: April 4, 8 and 9.

Unlucky Days: April 6, 7 and 11.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

Clean your room, Leo. Your grandmother would be disgusted if she saw that bowl of old oatmeal still sitting on your desk. You could try getting organized by utilizing drawers and baskets. I hear that Capricorns are particularly skilled in the realm of basket weaving, so try contacting individuals of that sign to begin your cleaning spree.

Single? You will get in an altercation with someone over fondu.

Attached? Bake together.

Lucky Days: April 1, 8 and 10.

Unlucky Days: March 31, April 4 and 12.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Your addictive personality is beginning to adversely effect your relationships, Virgo. Consider the consequences of your actions before you pick up your vice. People depend on you, and no amount of apologies can fully make up for disappointment.

Single? You honestly might not be ready for a relationship right now.

Attached? That is likely to change soon if you do not alter your behavior.

Lucky Days: March 31, April 6 and 10.

Unlucky Days: April 2, 11 and 12.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

You were a pirate in a past life, Libra. As exciting as this information might be, you have to remember that in this life you are not a pirate, so it is both rude and anachronistic for you to pillage, plunder or cause nautical dismay in any capacity. (That being said, it is totally acceptable to opt for a hook if you ever have to amputate your hand.)

Single? Love is in the air.

Attached? Go get yer booty, Libra!

Lucky Days: April 3, 4 and 11.

Unlucky Days: April 5, 9 and 10.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

You are in a financial crisis currently, Scorpio. You might have to pick up an extra job or get a very large piggy bank. (I’m legally obligated to not encourage you  to rob a bank, but it certainly would help your situation.)

Single? Someone has been particularly rude to you recently. This person finds you attractive and does not know how to handle it.

Attached? Think of inexpensive dates. Have a picnic in the park or go for a drive.

Lucky Days: April 3, 8 and 12.

Unlucky Days: April 1, 4 and 7.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

You need time to engage in deep contemplation about your faith, Sagittarius. You need to face religion in a new way. In Macon, you will find a place of worship on almost every street corner. Try out a synagogue or a new denomination, or dedicate one day to private worship or ritual. You might not find all the answers you are looking for, but you will gain a new perspective.

Single? Go to Joshua Cup.

Attached? Don’t let your partner go to Joshua Cup.

Lucky Days: April 2, 6 and 9.

Unlucky Days: April 1, 7 and 12.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

You’ve been particularly artistic recently, Capricorn. It’s time to make a profit off of your skills. Take up basket weaving if you haven’t already. Make containers of several colors and designs and sell them to anyone who needs baskets (such as bunnies, hungry young children and Leos). You’re going to be filthy rich!

Single? Join an intramural sports team.

Attached? Watch Beetlejuice together.

Lucky Days: April 2, 5 and 11.

Unlucky Days: April 7, 8 and 9.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

Your sign is the most likely to be attacked by a shark within the next five months, Aquarius. Take all the necessary precautions to stave off these aquatic fiends. Don’t go into the ocean if you are bleeding at all, don’t swim deeper than five feet into the ocean and be aware if you are in fresh water or an estuary. Also, be on the  lookout for land sharks. They’re vicious.

Single? Call an old friend.

Attached? Host an old-school pajama party.

Lucky Days: March 31, April 5 and 10.

Unlucky Days: April 2, 6 and 9.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

Yes, Pisces, everyone can smell you. Drive to the nearest shower (with the windows down) and scrub.

Single? Invite the person who has stricken your fancy to come dancing in the rain with you. If you can do a cartwheel, now’s the time to show off your skills. Don’t bring your phone, and go barefoot.

Attached? Tell your partner about any strange dreams you have. Ask him or her to try to interpret them.

Lucky Days: April 3, 6 and 10.

Unlucky Days: March 31, April 5 and 9.

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