Alicia's unreliable horoscopes

Alicia Landrum

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(divined) by Alicia Landrum

 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)

Happy birthday, Pisces!
You are going to meet a celebrity within the next few weeks, Pisces, so make sure to carry a camera and pen with you at all times.
Also, call your family. They miss you.
Single? Gather your friends and go downtown this weekend to play billiards.
Attached? Give each other corn rows. Now.
Lucky Days: March 18, 25 and 30.
Unlucky Days: March 22 and 27.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

Something has you frightened recently, Aries. If you genuinely believe that you might be in danger, tell somebody. You are particularly in tune with your intuition right now, so trust your gut.
Single? Invite your crush to join your friends for a casual dinner or a game of laser tag.
Attached? Practice reading each others’ minds. Take a deck of cards and try to guess which card your partner is holding.
Lucky Days: March 23 and 28.
Unlucky Days: March 20, 24 and 25.

 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

You’re going to find a puppy on the side of the street soon, Taurus. It will be cute, and you will love it. Give it a bath, buy it a bone and please, please remember to spay or neuter.
Single? Who cares? You’ll have a puppy! Name it after a historical figure.
Attached? Who cares? You’ll have a puppy! Name it after a cartoon character.
Lucky Days: March 17, 21 and 29.
Unlucky Days: March 24, 28 and 30.

 

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)

You’re feeling unnoticed, Gemini, and have an urge to stand out. They call it peacocking. Purchase yourself a pair of pants with a very bold pattern. It’s impossible to go unnoticed in loud pants.
Single? Watch every episode of Lost. If you’ve already done this, do it again.
Attached? Schedule some personal time away from your significant other this week. Too much of a good thing can be harmful.
Lucky Days: March 18, 27 and 30.
Unlucky Days: March 24, 28 and 29.

 

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)

You make delicious garlic mashed potatoes, Cancer. Cook some and share them with your roommates. They will appreciate it, and they might even be willing to cook something to compliment your dish.
Single? Make an outfit out of aluminum foil. Wear it to Waffle House. You won’t regret it.
Attached? Buy the board game Blokus together.
Lucky Days: March 27.
Unlucky Days: March 19, 25 and 29.

 

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

You’re feeling powerful these days, Leo. You are exceptionally capable of  making people active. Channel all of your charisma and energy into something positive. Get involved with  the community.
Single? Set a dictionary next to your bed. Every morning when you wake up, choose a new random word and use it as often as possible.
Attached? You’re bored, aren’t you?
Lucky Days: March 22, 25 and 28.
Unlucky Days: March 19, 24 and 27.

 

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

Yes, Virgo, you should get that tattoo you’ve been wanting. But make sure to check out the tattoo parlor beforehand. Cleanliness is absolutely key.
Single? Start smoking pipe tobacco. You’ll smell like memories people wish they had.
Attached? Call this number: 478-745-9439. (You’re welcome.)
Lucky Days: March 22, 23 and 28.
Unlucky Days: March 17, 20 and 26.

 

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)

Don’t get carried away with the tanning bed, Libra, because that’s how you get skin cancer. In fact, it might be best if you just always wear SPF 50. Make it part of your morning routine (and reapply every five hours), and you’ll be thanking yourself in the future.
Single? Throw a party. The kind where the cops usually get called. Invite the entire Cluster staff.
Attached? Watch Space Jam together this week.
Lucky Days: March 17, 19 and 26.
Unlucky Days: March 20, 24 and 28.

 

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)

Scorpio, you will live to see 2013. Good for you! Unfortunately, you are the only sign that will survive, because when the end comes, the moon will be in your seventh house. Start canning vegetables now.
Single? Go on a ghost hunt. This can be done on the fourth floor of Boone or pretty much anywhere in Savannah.
Attached? Go for a walk through town together!
Lucky Days: March 24.
Unlucky Days: March 19.

 

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Make a list of every word you can think of that has a silent “G” in it. (Think “paradigm.”) Write a poem consisting of at least five of these words. Send it to features@mercercluster.com. Your poem might be published in the next edition of The Cluster.
Single? Dress nicely this weekend and go to the Tic Toc Room.
Attached? Plan to meet your partner at a bar or club. Pretend like you’re strangers meeting for the first time.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: March 22, 25 and 30.

 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

You’re experiencing violent mood swings these days, Capricorn. Cherish your fleeting moments of happiness, and when you feel anger beginning to rise up, isolate yourself, breathe and count to 10. If that doesn’t help, invest in a membership to a boxing gym.
Single? You look beautiful today, Capricorn.
Attached? Do not physically fight with your partner.
Lucky Days: March 24, 27 and 29.
Unlucky Days: March 18 and 26.

 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

You will be making a substantial life change very soon, Aquarius. Start deciding what you need to pack in one suitcase that will sustain you for at least three months. Also,  learn Russian. You’re going to need it.
Single? You’ll meet somebody who makes you terribly nervous this week. You will blurt something stupid in front of this person, but it will be endearing.
Attached? Watch horror movies together!
Lucky Days: March 23, 24 and 29.
Unlucky Days: March 17, 25 and 28.

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