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Greek houses become relaxation spaces for administration
In a recent press release, officials at Mercer University announced that they are converting Greek housing into “multi-use relaxation spaces for the use of the University’s administration.”
The development is one of many new expansions that the school is embarking on, including turning the Connell Student Center into an in-house correctional facility, demolishing Plunkett and installing a squat rack in the University Center.
“We believe that the ongoing professional and personal development of our staff necessitates a greater investment in the elimination of stress,” the press release stated. “In an effort to be proactive, we are turning each fraternity and sorority house into a specialized space for relaxation.”
The release outlines some of the planned areas, including a lounge with billiard tables, foosball tables, $3 pitchers, a spa specializing in hot rocks massages and carpal tunnel therapy, a massive ball pit, and a trap house with the latest goodies.
According to the release, faculty will not be invited.
Philosophy professor Cranky Cool-n-thaw said that he does not see why professors are not welcome in the new relaxation space.
“We do the work,” Cool-n-thaw said. “We deal with those #%^*+€= students everyday. EVERY DAY. But who gets paid more? Who gets the ball pit? Who gets all the booze? Not us, bruh. Not us.”
While representatives for the administration would not officially respond to Cool-n-thaw’s comments, Mercer University President Thunderwood tweeted out a blueprint of the first house remodel to be completed on Monday with the caption “B!^<% don’t kill my vibe. #nochill”
Allegations are swirling that Greek alumni were collectively drafting a response to the release when they received a university notice that if they caused any interference, they were never going to be invited to one of the new house parties.
There has been no further action from the alumni community.
The current Greek community is hardcore pouting and the insensitive “Greek Lives Matter” hashtag is making a reemergence on social media.
Will E. Wonka, a member of Trappa Sigma, said that everything is connected.
“Last year, I publicly accused Thunderwood of embezzlement. Nobody believed me. But look at this s*¥#. Believe me now? How else could he pay for this?”
When questioned about how the university is going to pay for these improvements, the marketing representative simply re-sent the original release with a winky emoji in the subject line.
“It is our hope that the conversion of these spaces contributes to a greater sense of well-being among our administration and increases the resale value of the houses,” the release said.
Note: This is a satirical piece produced by the Cluster team in honor of April Fools Day. Thanks for reading!