Alicia’s unreliable horoscopes

Alicia Landrum

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Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
Happy birthday, Pisces!
Despite your birthday plans, you’ve been very stressed recently. Meditation and breathing exercizes will help calm you over the next few weeks. Also, water your grandmother’s plants.
Single?
Go to the park, and bring a sketchbook. Chicks dig artists.
Attached? You could really use a massage, Pisces.
Lucky Days: February 28 and March 5.
Unlucky Days: March 3, 9 and 16.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)
You will be awakened in the middle of the night by an earthquake. Unfortuantely, no one else is as perceptive to wobbly walls as you seem to be, so it might seem like you’re lying. Stay strong, Aries.
Single? Knit yourself a bathing suit for spring break, you crafty thing, you.
Attached? Take turns reading spooky stories to each other. The first one to scream has to buy dinner.
Lucky Days: February 25, March 3 and 13.
Unlucky Days: February 24, March 1 and 12.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)
Look behind you. Do you see that blonde? You were that person’s uncle in a previous life.
Single? Don’t do what you’re thinking about doing. You’ll regret it for years to come.
Attached? On February 26, Popovich Comedy Pet Theater is performing at the Cox Capital Theatre. Procure tickets IMMEDIATELY.
Lucky Days: March 2, 7 and 15.
Unlucky Days: February 25, March 9 and 14.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)
You’re feeling rebellious right now, Gemini. Beware of the police. Any time in prison is too much time in prison, especially for you. Make sure to keep your behavior under some control, or you might lose a friendship.
Single? If you don’t floss, your dentist will notice.
Attached? Make a zombie escape plan together, but keep it under wraps. When the day comes, don’t lose sight of each other.
Lucky Days: February 27, March 8 and 9.
Unlucky Days: March 6, 11 and 13.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)
You’re going to stumble upon a small fortune in the next few weeks, Cancer. The universe is smiling at you. Don’t take it for granted. Fortune is a fickle master.
Single? Step one: obtain sledgehammer. Step two: obtain your ex’s favorite CD. Step three: you know what step three is.
Attached? Go to the flea market. Share a snow cone.
Lucky Days: February 28, March 3 and 7.
Unlucky Days: February 24, March 8 and 16.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)
Don’t deny yourself your true calling, even if this means changing your major, dropping out of school, moving to Uganda or taking on an alter ego.
Single? Shave regularly and you won’t be single for much longer.
Attached? Embrace the differences between you and your partner, Leo. Try doing something your partner really enjoys that’s completely new to you. For your next date, do what you enjoy.
Lucky Days: March 4, 9 and 15.
Unlucky Days: February 25 and 26 and March 12.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)
Be aware of the symptoms of depression, Virgo. If you are experiencing these symptoms, don’t wait. CAPS is available on campus and free for students.
Single? Two words, Virgo: samba classes.
Attached? Make a gift for your significant other by hand. Don’t be too upset when he or she doesn’t bring it everywhere.
Lucky Days: February 25, March 3 and 6.
Unlucky Days: March 5, 9 and 14.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23)
Whisper when you’re not at home, and speak in code on the phone. They’re on to you, Libra, and they’re listening to everything you say. They’ve already compiled an extensive file on you.
Single? Host a potluck dinner party. You better supply the mashed potatoes, because no one else makes them as well as you do.
Attached? Watch Space Jam together. Nothing says romance like cartoon rabbits and Michael Jordan.
Lucky Days: Every Friday in March, starting at 4 p.m.
Unlucky Days: February 26, March 2 and 8.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21)
The woman with green shoes has information that’s incredibly valuable for you. She won’t trust you until you answer her three riddles, of course. (Hint: the answer to the first one is a shadow.)
Single? The person of your dreams works at the Verizon store. If you have T Mobile, it’s time to switch providers.
Attached? Have a cheap date at the two-dollar movie theater in Warner Robins.
Lucky Days: February 28.
Unlucky Days: March 6, 10 and 14.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)
You’re feeling wordy these days, Sagittarius. Try to write for at least 30 minutes a day for the next few weeks. If you write a novel by March 12, it will become a best-seller within a year.
Single? That guitar sitting in the corner of your room collecting dust misses you. Pick it up and teach yourself a new song right now.
Attached? Now is the time to come clean to your partner about that secret you’ve been keeping.
Lucky Days: February 24, March 1 and 11.
Unlucky Days: February 28, March 4 and 15.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)
Channel your negative energy into a safe outlet, like a voodoo doll!
Single? You will see a rainbow sometime this week.
Attached? Stop fighting, guys! If you can’t bring yourselves to get along with one another, maybe it’s time to reconsider your relationship. Attached does not always equal happy.
Lucky Days: March 2, 6 and 16.
Unlucky Days: February 26, March 9 and 13.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)
Keep your head up, Aquarius. If you’re starting to lose faith in yourself, gravitate toward your loved ones and friends.
Also, take care of your feet. Sandal weather is fast approaching, and everyone knows how much you love socks.
Single? Go to the park. Look for someone with a sketchbook. You know you dig artists.
Attached? Go to the playground together!
Lucky Days: March 5, 9 and 13.
Unlucky Days: February 25, March 12 and 16.

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